Aaj ladies special main mote mote log aaye hain

Huh?

This came from the dame who had nearly crushed Charu and me to death. She was looking in my eye and saying this in someone else’s ear. Someone who had to be in love with her. Her handsfree chord was dangling down over me and Charu.

Poor breathless Charu (she is my train friend) missed this statement of the millennium. I couldn’t stop myself from repeating it in her ear for her best benefit.

I really hate it when huge people decide to travel in 1st class ladies compartment. The compartment is first of all small, second of all they push a minimum of 3 people my size out of their way..that usually is life threatening for the people who get pushed. Other day, one fat person tried to move her elbow and the result was one other woman almost fell out of the train. She didn’t luckily. But all the stuff in her hand- (I guess she was an art student ) big bag of project papers and handbag flew out of her hand. Later people behind her had to pull her back and stop her from jumping out of the train for the stuff. She kept yelling all my work is gone! Oh god!! I wanted to ask her if it was worth her life. She was trying to jump after her work. I have never seen myself panic to that extent. Rather.. I am an iceberg. Some people bubble with fear and anxiety; some like me go absolutely numb. Had it been me in her place.. I am sure I would have done the yelling act later ( I still don’t believe I would have yelled, I would have sobbed maybe) maybe once I was out of the train and maybe back at home.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Making sense out of recent changes is on your current critical path, yet you must be ready to jump into the next phase of your life. It's fortunate for you that your self-judgments are lightening up and others can shower you with love and respect. You can already feel it, but you still must give yourself permission to enjoy it.
By Rick Somebody

Past 2 days in my life

My kid nephew pinched my cheek. That was not affection. It was anger. I did not let him pull my niece’s pony tail.

I went shopping. I have got a biba suit and one other kurta.

I met N at ccd and one more time thanked God for all the people in my life.

I saw animated film Robots yesterday.

To be continued…

Let’s call you JC.

Some small people already call me that. They call me JC and Aai JK..i.e. short for Jyoti Kaki. These small people are kids from Aai’s crèche. I mean it’s so funny to hear the coarse voice which was once so kitten like asking on the phone JC, JK kai mhante..:)
People grow up.

Of pet names. I don’t have too many to my account. I always laugh at my old time pj..I am very few people’s pet. Honestly, I hate pet names. At least the cool ones like nicky, pinky, stupidity. I like my name. Whatever it is.. It is me.

Yet, the earliest pet name I had was Chicken. That was long time back. I was maybe just a couple of years old. There was just one more before this one..Mama used to call me Jui batata. I was one plump baby.

But chicken I was and chicken I am. Coward. Sometimes. I was scared of surreal stuff like ghosts then and I am scared of surreal stuff like ghosts even today. They used to call me chicken because I was like every other kid; cute. Then there were a couple of names at home..Juilu, juidu and some embarrassingly cute ones.

At school people used to call me a lot of stuff. Most irritating was Citra. The soft drink I never tried. I hate soft drinks.. and hard too. Coffee doesn’t fall in any of the 2 categories. Okay. We will talk about drinks in some other post.

Then later on when I was in Pune there was this Zzzzzzuiiiiiiiii. It went Zzzzuiing..sort of a thing. Also, was V calling me Zoo..that Zoo thing, I still get to hear it. And someone calling me Flower Girl.

One pet name which almost feels like some title to me is Juda. We as family have seen Ben-hur the film a lot many times. Together. Aai used to call me Juda then .. very often. Now she does sometimes.. I was going through a not so great time in life. . She used to call my lanky 16-17 year old self.. Juda.

sanga kasa jagaycha...

मोडून पडला संसार

तरी मोडला नाही कणा

पाठीवरती हात ठेवून

नुसते लढ म्हणा

-- कुसुमाग्रज

Kalyakutta kalokhat, jvan kahi disat nastat
tumchya sathi konitari diva gheun ubha asta
kalokhat kudhaycha ki prakashat udaycha?Tumhich tharva!
sanga kasa jagaycha...

Payat kate rutun bastat,he agdi khara asta
ani phula phulun yetat, he kay khara nasta?
katyansarkha salaycha ki phulansarkha phulaycha?
Tumhich tharva!

-Mangesh Padgavkar

sleepy

I am at work right now. I am feeling sleepy. Very sleepy. My colleague says I need toothpicks for my eyes. I think sellotape will do.

Why am I feeling this sleepy today? Why are we talking about this and that? Sleepy is sleepy. Sleepy enough to spell sleepy as sleppy or slepy.. sleepy enough to not spell sleepy and sleep instaed...okay instead I meant.

I think I need to dial 3oo and call for coffee. Coffee. coffee. hmm Okay lets ask for coffee after a while. Why? It's too much of an effort to turn my head ask R if she needs her tea and A needs his tea. Then remember how many teas with my coffee and then tell it to the pantry guy. I would rather sleep talk..sleep type rather.

This happens too me sometimes. Those 10-15 impossible minutes where eyes and brain play their trick. There is this not so clean, old carpet or matting sort of thing here on our department floor. This ulgy thing looks too tempting right now...

I speak

What do you do of a someone who loves to write but has something called as spondylitis? hmm..That actually isn't the topic of today's post really..So we can talk science later.

Today I realised..I opened this page and called it a diary for a reason. I just wished to check how much I can really talk. To what extent can I reveal me. And, I do not wish to fail this webpage, I don't wish to fail myself either.. So today I will talk about something more about my past few days.

Well, I had dedicated a post to mission arranged marriage some days back. Now.. now.. I don't wish to discuss the whys of the situation anymore. 'Why yaar, I mean you aren't so old?" Arranged Marriage!!!! But to all of that, I will say it isn't as bad as anthrax..though it starts with a letter A.

Coming to the point, I have met a couple of guys..Yep, I am not going to give out the exact numerical details..Not because I have too many or too less attempts here., but because I don't understand numbers. I have realised that I have taken a reactive approach to the whole thing. I have met people who wanted to meet me..I haven't budged a step to initiate anything as of now. When I say I haven't budged one bit, I really haven't.. to an extent that I would have said a yes to all the guys I have met..:) Knowing too well that this 1 is not the 1. Why? Not because I have taken any self-destruction route like Roark's girl. Just, that I am plain confused about the one question elders have asked me maddening times..What are your expectations beta? I don't wish to figure that out as if it is some frustrating science question with a chemical formula in it.

Luckily, the guys, situation and the latest hit -kundali have saved my soul and we have come to a no every time. Here, I am not saying the guys were bad. But it's really funny how human heart functions. It's easy to like a person.. but love is just too natural an emotion. You can't learn to love. You just love or you simply don't. If you are wondering why am I mixing the two unrelated fundas like arranged marriage and love here..I don't know what people did when they went for, or life pushed or pulled them to an arranged marriage scenario. I don't see myself taking a flowchart route to matrimonial.

Yes, I have put the white flag up. Yes, I am playing their game on their terms. But I still am.

People(friends,cousins) have said some real interesting stuff to me these past few days-

Arre you think too much Jui..It's just profiles not people as such.. Just cross them from your list yaar..and you will meet the one.

You know what Jui, strong women like us scare guys..You need someone equally pigheaded as you. I mean see, P and me .. our lifestyle needs (whatever that means) are an absolute mismatch...But he is the wall of China when I am at my worst..Hence, our marriage is a decade old now..

Hehehe ;) Awesome man..you anyways didn't date any guys in your days..Now at least, you get to date them officially..

Jui this is just too much of a torment...You write a book on this ..after some years.

I have had a couple of misses now. But, every time I have gone through the same stages..The initial curiosity about the person, the chit-chat session..nice and friendly..and after a no(which never comes from me) a phew feeling. a sense of freedom. Friendly is a deadly word. I cannot love a someone when friendly is there in the picture. I can't.Love is love..

Two people in love can be friends with each other..but vice versa is a confusion..not love.

I don't know.. But there is this crazy connection I feel to that person. Each miss makes me feel its taken me closer to the one.Does not matter if it happens the family way.."beta by this time next year you will be married!" or it happens like all my other things have happened ( I was to come 1st in School and then become a Dr.)

I feel there is someone at the other end of the rope ...That matters the most.. I guess..

There was a time when I said I will walk all the 99 steps towards you.. you walk that one step..to someone. But, later I realised it's not about numbers..

I blew the candles today

I blew the candles today.. made a wish too. Silly. But could not resist those candles. When i was in school there was this thing about red post office vans.People used to say you make a wish when you see that red van, cross your fingers and leave it only when you see a 4 legged animal.. ..and it comes true.. :) your wish.. It's nice to be naive.. sometimes. Naive and stupid.

Same is the case with candles.. But, it's so easy to like people. People here arranged for a pleasant surprise for me. Cake and singing..then a senior sent a lovely card to me.. Inspirational. It got a tear to my eye. (will post some lines from the card here later)It's so easy to get used to people and like them. Some people placed their hand on my head and blessed me.. I did feel blessed.. All seniors.

Sometimes I wonder why is it so tough to stand by a someone then..

p.s.-pink dress looked pink.. and people liked it.

The Day before tomorrow

That day of my life usually makes me feel some sort of longing. It makes me feel like that every year. One day when I cross all the mental barriers and wholeheartedly think about people who were at some point in my life ..important to me. I wonder where they are and will they by chance, mistake, coincidence, telepathy, luck, misfortune, reasonless think about me that day. I mean at least that day I let myself be a little like me.

Now, I have changed. I don’t know when that happened. Or maybe I know it.. some sort of liberation, some sort of happiness, some long lost key I discovered. I think I am in love.. :) with nothing in particular. I don’t know, I just am in love with life. I feel as free as freedom. Nothing holds me to the ground for too long. The waves, rash sometimes, enormous, spraying waves sweep me of my feet.. I lose myself in the surf of life.

So, for tomorrow, I went shopping yesterday. I have never done it ..not for a long time. I mean okay, I have gone shopping million times other times. But, never specifically for that day. Not since.. Can’t quite remember the year. I used to particularly feel irritated about all the fuss.

Aai-Baba wanted to buy something for me. We went to Westside hence. A friend told me they are selling stuff for discounted prices. I always end up liking stuff that is for some reason not discounted. We reached, we saw, we fell in love and now I got a new dress for tomorrow. Do you believe in love at first sight.. I do..:) the dress makes me feel beautiful..

And, it’s pink.. Not the typical baby pink. Some darker shade of pink. I am not up to the mark when it comes to identifying and calling colors by their correct names. But, it’s a shade of pink. I didn’t consciously look for pink. The dress sort of chose me. Aai picked it up. It’s a traditional silk salwar-khameej suit. Jazzy. I wanted to get rid of pastel for a day. There are days when I feel green, yellow, and red too.

I am quintessential when it comes to color pink!

crap!

Boss: How’s life jui?

Jui: Life is going good actually..Its gone absolutely out of my control. That was an afterthought. I didn’t say it aloud.

These days I see this image of me wearing black easy t-shirt and trousers and standing at the edge of some unknown cliff.. My hair is open and flying freely.. It's not scary, it's beautiful. There is this world below me. Sometimes I am part of the world, like those ants running at my feet. Sometimes, suddenly I grow taller. My hair like a some paintbrush on the canvas of the sky..

My horoscope for today on igoogle says.. You are slowly returning from an extended vacation, even if you never left home. You've been journeying in the orbits of your own thoughts and it may be challenging to find your way back to earth. Remind yourself that you are usually sensible and serious. Be as practical as you must, but allow yourself enough time to process your dreams before landing.

By Rick somebody

Fish!

Okay.. so what happens after you get fish, you don’t even know their type and name..from the local fish market. You are to have them for meal and there are some others who think you know the formula to somehow make curry out of those fish..

I am so glad.. I could cook. And my otherwise cynical old uncle liked the curry. :) I wanted to save some of it , to show aai that the curry looked a lot like curry… and, if she had the heart to taste it, she would probably agree with all those who had to have the curry, that the curry tasted a lot like curry..

When I lose my temper

It happened yesterday. When I lose my temper-

I talk crap..sometimes things which are better left unsaid.
I cry..when words fall short. When emotions are just too many and sentences too less.
I am like that rolling stone.. absolutely out of control.

I think if people leave me alone for sometime when I am going through that temper attack, it would save me my nonsensical ramble and save them ..I so hate the idea of breaking down in front of anything living. It’s almost like stripping in front of people. And, I hate it. The idea of me struggling with myself.. like that old werewolf serial where the guy transforms into a werewolf or some other being. It’s exactly like that. The time my soul spends in torment or you can call it contemplation too and it cannot always happen simply.. Why can’t they just leave me alone?

I need no light to walk through that dark alley. I need no parachute to break my fall. I need no counterargument to make me see through the wall of smoke.

generally feeling grumpy

Every where people are talking about the same 2 women being molested on the new year’s night. I don’t have much to say. I mean why are we talking about it as if we have come across some UFOs.

It irritates me. At least I can’t talk about it with so much of interest and zest anymore. It’s no Aaja Nachle or some other ridiculous movie released this week.. eager for a review. If you are any average Mumbaikar and have ever walked on the streets here or have by any chance faced the crowd dumped by any local train at any railway platform ever, you would know that the crowd is usually generally hungry to touch you.. if you are a woman that is. I am not sure if I can do anything other than hanging on to my handbag and managing to cut through the crowd forcing its way past me. I mean they still manage to brush my hand sometimes.. But, I truly don’t know why are we even talking about it.

Today. Nothing much to talk about. I came across that old video, the one that used to come on DD some 2 decades back. Ek titli anek titliya..It still makes me smile.

I am generally feeling grumpy. I don’t need any reason to feel that ways. There are reasons and there aren’t any. Unrest. It’s deep within me, it’s part of who I am. I feel like that water boiling in some pot. Unrest. I also feel like an icicle at the same time.