Every season has its wonder

I stumbled upon a blog yesterday. One of my batch-mates from Pune had blogged about Pune..and the University and our 2 years at the place. He had a lot of things to say about those two years. I agreed to whatever he had to say. The place for some reason made us all believe that anything was possible.. On the green campus which was almost as big as a township, old-time structures and the white rickshaw that ferried people from one department to other or simply from the heart of the university to the gates where the real world began out there.. everything seemed simple..

Everything seemed possible there. From directing a short film to remaining a person who lived her life doing what she loved to do. Sitting there on the staircase, green moss making the steps look alive..very much like everything that was a part of this campus and discussing film scripts and stories was like breathing in oxygen..

I did not major in film making. But, I had the opportunity to assist people in their projects. One year I had film-making as one of the subjects. We worked on one ad film. I ideated it and we shot it. Each member got a chance to shoot one shot in the film. It was wonderful.. as wonderful as maybe realizing for the 1st time that you can walk. Then we shot something else too..And, I was to write a short film for my final year. .. I did not take up film making though.. for my final year. I wanted a convenient life.. Simple and uncomplicated. A decent job and a good life. It was one thing to dream about films and novels and speak with conviction within the univ reign and other thing to script stuff and get dumped in the real world. Plus, that person I was was maybe just what I was because I was in that world then… where we thought we had grown wings…where we thought.. this was life.. as if it would never end..

The blog I read said.. after the Univ days I realized that all good things in life end..Which is true and not as bad as it sounds.. Every season has its wonder..

just get a pet

Yesterday, I was watching a Marathi program and the host there- Mr. Sachin Pilgaonkar was talking about true love.. He said if you want to experience it.. you sure can at your home... Or else just get a pet. I could relate to the thought, when he said he has a dog and it doesn't even know his name or his profession or his standing in the society.. The dog just loves him anyway..

I used to have a dog too. I had her for 11 years..I have never been greeted back home with so much love and excitement by anybody else..I have never greeted anyone with that sort of love and excitement either.

You and I in this beautiful world ..

You and I in this beautiful world
green grass..blue sky
You... and ...I

I love this Hutch song. Downloaded it today from the net. http://rs170.rapidshare.com/files/47728572/u_n_i_original.mp3

:) Life's good..as good as the coffee that smells really good...and tastes even better. :)

I logged in again after publishing this post.. I was forgetting something so important. We need to mark yesterday's date too. I managed to make 10 rotis on my own. right from the start.. From flour to roti.. the entire process invloved here. On my own!

This means that I can actually manage to cook and pack lunch and manage dinners for people in my life. The rotis weren't as good as the ones I get in my lunch box. But, the rotis weren't as bad as the ones I see my Boss's lunchbox. I made some veggie too. But,that isn't anything pathbreaking. I have managed that trick a couple of times before. 0 rotis to 10 is pathbreaking..

Mark today's date

The to do list I discussed with you is still alive in my mind.. though I have realised I need a parallel not to do list too. :)

And, though i might not put up the whole list here.. I still want to make a mental note of today.. The list goes into implementation today..After a week's time of successfully being able to stick to it I will let you know how does it feel..

lilo and Stitch!

I love that Disney movie. but that is one Stitch and today is another stitch..I got one for myself..in my mouth.. I never got stitched by any dr. before. My dentist got the honors of being the first. I am not feeling great. I am listening to songs.. Lucky ali..Anjani Rahao main dil kya dhundta phire..

I have always been a very patient sort of a person.. But, lately the iceberg is melting. I need to put in some conscious effort for my sanity's sake. It shouldn't be too difficult. A bird doesn't forget to fly even if it stayed indoors for all of the winters. Sand.. in that hour-glass. One cannot cling on to that sand.. like one does to the end of the rope. You cannot cling on to people either..There always will be that silence between the 2 notes of sound.

We didn't start the fire.. It was always burning since the world's been turning..

I am killing time. There is nothing better to do. Stranger in the strange land..

Star Movies is showing Eargon at 21 hrs today. I have read the book Eragon. I want to catch the film tonight.

I don't have a great pair of speakers. So the song cracks if you try to play it at full volume. It doesn't matter too much to me..It doesn't matter at all to me actually. Time to take pain killers..That stitch is giving trouble. But, I am feeling too bored to get up for the pill.

The black sharp line cuts the white or does the white eat at that black?

The bubble around me gets lonely even with me in there ..some times..

I am playing with words.. or maybe like always the words are playing with me.

A week..

The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back.A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.

- Paulo Coelho

:)

It’s a hap hap happy day today!

Why? Because I had a beautiful time yesterday evening. :) all these years I have received gifts with tags that go .. from this kaki and kaka..:) For the first time in my life I was on the other side of the table yesterday..:)

Yesterday I managed a feat.. I walked it up to the Kurla station from my end of the Bandra Kurla complex.. which is to be precise the Bandra end of the complex.. what the f***! Don’t do it again..you will get mugged with that bag and all.. Why did I walk so much? I had time to kill… I love walking alone.. Its been quite a while.. a long while actually that I walked like that. I used to walk a lot in Pune..up and down the university. I started walking thinking that I would go as much I could.. but once I walked a distance.. I wasn’t in any mood to give up.

The moment residential buildings in Kurla seemed nearer I wanted to dance away. I didn’t. I was listening to the radio..They were playing some stupid songs..Rock the party Rock the party..oye hoi re kudiye teri jawani..rock the party.Aaj ki raat..ti ding .. ti ding.. Once I reached station I thought I would take a rickshaw to where I wanted to reach. But no. I crossed the railway bridge and walked some more distance inside kurla..:) It felt amazing when I reached. :)

And now my legs are starting to pain.. But, its absolutely okay..

Today

Today:
1. I am carrying my copy of Fountainhead with me to work.

2. I laughed a lot...like I always do.

3. I am feeling very sleepy.

4. I looked for the lyircs of this song.. because it keeps playing on the radio whenever I tune in. Sorry, Blame It On Me And, the best lines for me are-

I'm sorry for the times that I left you home
I was on the road and you were alone

I'm sorry for the fact that I'm not aware

That you can't sleep at night when I am not there

I’ll be the reason for your pain

And you can put the blame on me

you can put the blame on me

5. I was caught in a traffic jam ..bad one..I was tempted to blog about Mumbai again.( the city is gasping for its breath..I was reminded of one poem someone had written about Mumbai.. )

6. The pantry guy gave me coffee in my favourite black mug ..It is the 2nd time in all these days that I got coffee in that mug.

7.I got a mail where in the address field my name read Zoo.. :) Nostalgic!

8.I tried writing a poem..it didn't click and I deleted it.

9.I cannot think about anything else; yet want to write the 10th point.

10.I have taken 2 bags to work..

words pour like hail

Little prayers.. I read a blogger write some prayers..on his blog..Prayers for the urchin, a rushing ambulance..I realised I close my eyes too and pray for the reasons he had mentioned on his blog..

Sometimes I just feel like touching someone's forehead for just no apparent reason and praying for their well being.. I am not sure how my conscious identifies that face of a stranger in that strange crowd... and I have this urge to touch that forehead and pray..

---

There are days when words pour like hail on me.

to do list!

I am a pathetic person as such. I don't work at home..I just somehow don't these days..I don't want to reason it..Today -tired, tuesday- sleepy, wednesday-busy!, thursday-hmm..., Friday- I will do it tomorrow, saturday- weekend!, sunday-it's a sunday!

So lets see if to do lists help me..Maybe if I see it in ink I will find it difficult to ignore my chores. to do list will help me identify my tasks in the first place.

---

I took a long break from this post and my mind wandered to Pune..International Film Festival...2005.the google search for that particular film..I cannot remember the name.. I think it was a french film with English subtitles. Gone are those days.. I will really like to live those couple of days in my life again.

Maybe beacuse it was my 1st tryst with world cinema. It was maybe because I had never before seen people in such huge nos. passionate about films to that extent. there was this one film about an agressive guy..his childhood is spent with his Dad who is a mafia honcho. The dad is a very normal person at times when he is not dealing deals and killing people. The guy grows up to inherit his father's skills..The only thing uncommon from his father that he possesses is that he is a Violinist..He likes music ..more than the sound of the guns..

The only peaceful element in his life is his violin teacher..an abousltely silent young chinese looking female..He misses the classes many times.. because he is busy f****** his life..But he finds his way back to her apartment everytime...She says nothing ever.. Just plays those soothing tunes..

he eventually falls in love with peace..and her..I am not going to recall the story here shot by shot..It will become a much longer post.

--

My to do list today has 2 very impotant things-

1. Go to the dentist( :( )

2. Cut and chop the veggies

3. Think about things that can come in this list..

I like to listen to that pause.

Silence. I like to listen to that pause.
That silence like the surface of any placid river. Is the silence screaming out for its freedom? Is it the suppressed voice within that head or is it that thought that sets the heartbeat racing? Is this silence free enough to give that string of words its meaning?

The sharp remark
voices
accusing voices
protesting voices

the bullet fired
unseen, yet clearly heard

screaming voices

rebelling voices

red flags!

her unheard voice ..
her undying silence

The Peacock Feather

When was the first time I touched a peacock feather? I don't remember. I was very young when Aai got 2 of them for me. She said we will keep it in the dictionary. It still is the biggest book I have. I think I have lost my first dictionary and the peacock feather too. But, I remember how I used to love looking for the feather in that book. I could touch and feel those colors. The feather had become older in that book. I would then fearing that my fingers could damage it, touch the feather even more lightly.

Whenver I used to find a beautiful rose petal or any oddly shaped leaf and did not know how I could keep it with me Aai used to ask me to keep it between the pages of a book..It is lovely to find some old petals in some old books. Pink tries to become red over the years. And, I dont remember that petal I had long kept in that book. The greens of the leaf reveal the lines on the leaf more explicitly.

For a long time now I haven't found any leaves in my pages. Over the years I guess I forgot the peacock feather and the joy it once gave me. I forgot those childhood petals. But, I am going to go back to that habit of collecting petals and keeping them safe the way Aai once long back taught me.

I am on an emotional high

A season comes in everybody’s life. The season that lasts a lifetime. Over time maybe it becomes so much a part of you don’t even realize it the way you did once. But the season is deep there in you. In the middle of nowhere I don’t feel directionless as such. The world goes dark or maybe suddenly very bright. I don’t seem to be part of it. And, there is somewhere where I belong..

It is like this. If I stand atop a rock and waves try to knock me off and drown me..I don’t panic anymore. The rock doesn’t hold me, the waves can wash me off, but they cannot quite touch me..

He doesn’t have to hold my hand everytime to lead the way..yet, alone as I cut through people he leads the way for me. I look at people in their eye and there is this season in my eyes.

nothing much..

Sometimes I feel I should just close this page. I don’t write much of me here sometimes . But, then I find myself filling this space again.

I have realized that-
1. I haven’t changed one bit.
2. Words get lost somewhere just as I think I have found the right ones.
3. I blank out.. sometimes unknowingly. ..most times knowingly..
4. Poetry to me is like that silent moment where I hear everything clearly.
5. I don’t ask questions.
6. I answer all the questions I am not asked along with the ones asked to me.
7. I walk away.
8. Whenever I speak a lot, the silence in me feels betrayed.
9. I throw myself away like that pebble in the river .
10. I like a starlit night more than that yellowish tinge of the daybreak.

My friend's Dad is a scientist

My friend's father doesn't stay at their place. I looked up at the big black round eyes. Do they always look so black and round? Okay. Aai says. As if the Sky is blue today and we say okay..My father looks at me. He is a scientist no that is why. Aai tries telling him that USA is the place where scientists usually work. The Dad must be there. Hence the friend's Dad doesn't stay with them anymore.

I have always liked the kid for his big eyes. The eyes now look more black. The kid avoids looking at us now, looks down and then with some effort at Aai. I try telling him software daddies go to Bangalore and sometimes Mommies go to Bangalore too.

I picked up my handbag. The big eyes still not looking at me. My parents stood there..trying to seem okay ..listening to the kid .

Kids have an amazing way of standing by people. Here, this one did just that by trying to convince himself and us that scientist Dads leave their families behind in pursuit of something his little self could not quite understand..

I was getting late and had to leave home and could not listen to the whole conversation..

who are you?

I mean look. I came across this one while looking at one orkut community. Interesting isn't it? One anonymous asks another anonymous!Anonymous.

I have a name. I am getting engaged soon. People call up and congratulate me. People talk about him. Him is an individual with a name and identity. I make it a point to tell them about him. Other day I received a mail from someone I know not too well saying that he is getting married. Okay. But the girl has the right to be known by her name. Her.

why?

No. I cannot smile that smile all the time you see. Why? I cannot answer every question. Why? Can you stop looking me in the eye? Why? I cannot …..

I put my hands in my pocket. I turn my back and just step out of the conversation. I am guilty. I know I am the culprit every time and the victim too. I did that to myself. Why? Why does it rain on the plane ? Why does the star shoot across the sky?

That is exactly why…

She still doesn’t keep the phone. My silence becomes too shrill for my own damn ear!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Let me go out for a walk please. Down the dense lane. I have taken that path million times before. It makes me feel at home there. I wish life would have ended at the end of that road and begun every time at the beginning of that road.

Let me please feel the green grass blades under my palm. The tiny pebbles leave a design on my palm. The lake ..the small algae filled ugly looking beautiful lake. I think the tortoise still swims under that green mess.

Let me sit there on the ground. I want to listen to the sage again. The white beard and the gleam in his old eyes.. It gives me life again.

The walls of the rooms don’t come closer on me here. There are no walls here. I can spread my arms. I can stand here like a tree.

Let me sit there lost in the crowd. The coffee makes me feel so much like me here. Let me walk to the gate alone just one day.

The tadpoles in the old fountain. The water in that old tank.. As I hold on to the hand of an old friend. Let me hear her speak about me just once.

--dedicated to the University of Pune

It was not arranged..

Now the time is right. The conclusion to my Mission Arranged Marriage is a beautiful beginning actually.. It is not an ending for sure..

Jui, Do you believe in Miracles? I do now. I am not sure I have enough words to write what I wish to write..What if I just say..I met a guy and I fell in love with him..What if I just say I have always known him even before meeting him?

I met a few guys and then I met A .It was one February day. We met at a café..it seemed as if we had met some other time and there was this incomplete conversation between us at that time before the time. So, we were here continuing this very old conversation. We did not have 5 seconds of silence between us!

Smiles. Words. Glances . The café..I don’t know the exact millisecond where the miracle like some chemical reaction started unfurling itself. Or maybe Miracle is a something which works even when you think it is a fable. The miracle was in making for me for years maybe..

When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to lose it. This is what happened after that February day. The world conspired against us in many ways. We lost each other. I think that helped us win each other back. Only when you lose .. you fight. Fight you must. All best things in life are to be earned. I will not say we won because of us alone. There must have existed some other world far away from the milky way conspiring for us.

..there is a lot more to this post…I will come back here soon..

words are not enough..

Some few months back one question kept popping in my head for some reason.. Do you believe in miracles jui? No.

I think I have changed my stance now. There are reasons. There is lots to write..but I wish to take some time off..How much time? I don't know..I might just write tonight..or might just not..

Words are too many..Yet the words are not enough. For now I will just make a note of some dates. Significance of these .. I will write a longer post..some other time..

8th and 9th March..

Red Rose

I got a Red Rose today.. and a chocolate..and a greeting card..and some messages.. Women's Day is few hours away..

--rest later..

No clue...

http://www.esnips.com/doc/bbe1b7cd-42e6-42e4-a24a-222637cfae07/Fuzon-MoraSaiyan-Khamaj

Listening to this one right now. One friend wants to listen to it. I like this song too. Nice one. Why this post? Just like that. Because I want to keep my mind busy. I want to talk about generic things. I don't want to talk about me today.

There is a cup full of coffee at my desk. It's become cold now. I don't feel like having a sip. I just had a mugful some time back. Another colleague just asked the pantry to get another cup. Just like that.

Now listening to http://www.esnips.com/doc/69a55c73-64c6-4e6a-9ac7-a4f12dacc387/Fuzon---Tere-Bina

Thanks to my colleague! Again this one is a good song. But I am not in a mood for senti stuff at this moment. Why? Just like that.

Feels like I am waiting in some terminal..No clue...

Now listening to http://www.esnips.com/doc/c8e23811-bcc1-47e4-aff7-38067149e6da/Ankhoun

Because I want to listen to this one..

Now.. http://www.esnips.com/doc/4f6c5ce3-9039-40d9-bd0c-7d5d3ee6adad/Coldplay---Fix-You

Now..no song..my colleague is playing some Buddha Bar no. at his desk..

Now..at my desk. http://www.esnips.com/doc/40873e29-0b23-4555-a2d1-85c75c2e61d0/Lost-for-Words

Can you see your days blighted by darkness?
Is it true you beat your fists on the floor?
Stuck in a world of isolation
While the ivy grows over the door

:)

http://www.esnips.com/doc/dfd73364-df8c-4c61-abaa-79ada529a7d4/Pink-Floyd---The-division-bell

here the guitar speaks more than words .. for me at least..
Blade-like.Cuts through my heart.

Now.. my pal is playing Aerosmith - I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing

I am feeling hungry now. Is it sinful to feel hungry when you are fasting? When do you achieve that sort of control over your mind? Where hunger, thirst, desire, wish everything is irrelevant.. I don't know. I don't care to know. I am feeling hungry.

Is it a mere once upon a time?

Is that how freedom feels..Is it a mere once upon a time? Is it unreal?
Wings. Like the leaves of a tree.. born in spring. .Wings.

Double Engine

3rd March,2008

:) That was what Aai said..about herself and maushi. The women in my life. The women who pull my train. I swear. I am thankful to God for blessing me with these strong-willed women…friends..family..Whatever way they have come in my life..

I respect them for the kindness, the strength they must have needed when they pushed me off the cliff.. knowing too well that I had grown wings.

They have come in my life time and again.. And they have been with me..in my shadows, like the goddess’ of the forest protecting the stray fawn.

I saw her today, after all this while, after that day. The day when I had told her that we could not be friends anymore. Why? Nothing terrible had crossed between us. Those were the dark days. I was at my worst. I think that is the worst I can be. Everything in life at that particular time was going against me. Everything..of the most impossible to handle elements in my life was me..I guess.

Happens. We call it life. That is not the story. The story is I had one friend then. I came to a point where I thought we needed to part ways. That was the only way we could pick up the pieces of our respective lives. I told her that.. and we never saw each other again for last 4-5 years.

She had some sort of respiratory problem then. I hope she doesn’t have it now. Once she got that attack in the lecture room. I took her out of the room and tried telling the dumbfounded prof. to get some Dr. logic said we needed to get her near the oxygen cylinder. I tried to make her walk along the passageway..so that with some help we could pack her to the Dr. She could walk. But she decided not to. Hell! She sat there in the passage..clinging on to my hand. I was like that 1st few days when Aai used to drag me to school.

She couldn’t breathe. She was gasping..people didn’t come anywhere closer to us. No! I am not going anywhere. I am scared of situations. It passed after some time like that..She was in love with some idiot then. The guy was causing her hurt. Some days back out of sheer coincidence I came to know she is getting married. Not to that B******. There wasn’t any story between them ever. I was so happy for her when I heard the news. I wanted to give her a call .. didn’t. She’s grown up now.. I have grown up too.

What a day! I took the wrong train. I was waiting for my comrade ladies special. Trains were late. I was late. Everyone was late. Crowd. I thought i should wait a little longer for my regular train. But this train came. Very few people got in. Last minute decision. I got in too. It was a fast train strayed on the slow platform.
I saw her. She saw me. I wanted to talk to her. But didn't. I wanted to smile at her. But couldn't.

My window seat

I had gone to Goa last week.. as I am writing this I just happen to take a break and converse with my colleague next door.I tell him 'It's so simple to live life simply, isn't it?' And, I like the thought here.. and I am glad the sentence chose me :)

Coming back to the Goa thing I planned to dedicate this post to..I had flown to Goa. Now the fact is that the kid in me is alive enough to desire the window seat in car or train. But, I have seen people say that they don't care to look out of the window. I mean come on..How can you care after traveling on a plane thrice a week..

How can you not care?I mean I have never flown so often..But, if I am to consider the number of times I have travelled in a car or a train..nothing has changed. I like my window seat very much..I think I will like to gape at the world outside the window from a plane too all my life.

Love Story

14th Feb. This post is about yesterday. I was too bored to login yesterday. So it happens today. Do I believe in days like this..?V day, Brown day, Black day, Madman’s day:).. I think I would like to invent a day every day and find a reason to wake up with something special on my day’s agenda.

It’s a damn old debate. I don’t care if we call it valentine’s day or dagdoo’s day. If it manages to make me feel happy so it be. There have been days that were not any V days and yet I was happy and in love with life . There were days when it wasn’t any V day and I still felt absolutely lonely.

Yesterday I saw some bit of the film Love Story, based on Eric Segal’s work Love Story. I like that book a lot.

What can you say about a twenty-five-year-old girl who died?That she was beautiful. And brilliant. That she loved Mozart and Bach. And theBeatles. And me.

You are a good Christian girl? I am good and I am a girl. That makes it 2 out of 3. I can’t imagine there is a world beautiful than this one with Mozart and Bach here. ( I am taking this line from the film, can’t recall the exact line for this one in the book.)

I like the book for these lines( 1st one is the best) and some other ones. I like the book. So yesterday I pampered myself with 20 minutes of Love Story, the film. I think I like the book the best. I liked the way the film opens with the same lines as the book What can you say about a twenty-five-year-old girl who died? The actor has done a good job with the lines. I was worried the film would have messed the lines.

My V day began with trying to win a Taxi driver’s heart, so that he could take me to the conference I was supposed to be attending. At least 15 cab guys broke my heart and goodness of a good friend finally took me to the place. Mumbai has become its hot and humid self again.

The conference was organized in a ballroom of some ITC Grand Central. It is one of my crazy dreams. I want to go ballroom dancing once in my lifetime. Under the chandelier, I want to feel like the most beautiful woman in the whole world. :) and yes this time around I want to keep my eyes open and dance…I feel very beautiful in a rich Saree too. I have experienced that. I will see to it that my dream is realized some day. Maybe when I fall in love some day..

I dance away

I close my eyes and dance. I dance away. Happiness is like some drug. It gives me a kick. I am not scared anymore. I was a person who refused to be in the moment first. I was an outsider in the moment of joy. It will soon pass.. Now I don’t care. I close my eyes and dance. I am free. I am boundless.

There isn’t any reason for the happy feeling. There shouldn’t be any reason. Happiness doesn’t need any justification. Freedom. I set myself free. There are these moments when I am absolutely free.

Free to close my eyes and dance. Free to cry. Free to be in the moment completely. I am not like this all the time. It’s only sometimes. The sun becomes me and I rise.

You need to grow up now

One friend months back said alice come out of the wonderland. I listened to her. But how does the wonderland come out of alice... You need to grow up now…they say. I don’t know what that means. World doesn’t function at your will they say. But what has the world got to do with me? You need to grow up now…they say.

I was a bad student always. Basically because I was deaf to the words of wisdom. Math is not all that tough a subject they said. You need to try harder. But why do I have to try ?

Lesson not learned. There always is a line and you are not to trespass. But I always happen to fold my fingers around the sharp barbed wire.It only happened once in some Superman movie that the world revolved the other way round.

Once long time back I had gone to Colaba market alone. I like my company the best..the reason being I can wander, there is no obligation as such to keep myself company. Well, there I had some across a silver rose finger ring at a roadside stall. I had fallen in love with the silver rose and had wanted to own it instantly. But people have told me time and again you are too impulsive and end up touching the cactus looking at the flower it wears.

With a lot of effort I walked away from the ring that day. Next day I went all the way back to the stall for that ring.. I hardly wear it, scared I might lose it. I wear it for a moment and admire it and back it goes to the wooden box.

One step at a time Jui . One step at a time. I have multiple bruises on my knees, I never realized the logic. I would always be in a hurry to reach .. always missed steps. But I never learned the one step logic. It was only recently, I was looking somewhere else , chatting away and missed the steps. It took me some minutes to get up on my feet and some days for my knee to come back to its normal size. You need to grow up now…they say.

I sprint.

A bird is not supposed to crawl like a caterpillar. Wings. Wings are more than a body part here. Wings are the wildness of his mind. Wings are the freedom that runs in his blood. Wings remain. You cannot cut them off by just chopping them or just folding them. There is this moment. The skies call him. A glance towards the strip of the starlit black sea and the wings in him proclaim his free spirit.

Maybe he never touches the pole star again. But he still flies over the ocean. His mind. You cannot cage his heart in his ribcage.

I try so hard. I try not to be me. The voice in my head is the only sound that is able to command me. The moment I feel they are trying to hold me back.. I become like the young filly. The loop around my neck makes me want to sprint. I sprint. The craziness becomes me.

clueless

Can you actually be so clueless? It feels as if I am some weightless speck floating on the wind. I am going somewhere. I don’t know where. I don’t care to know where. Life is fun this way too. Let the course of life decide what the course of life should be.

When you do not know, do not wish to know where you want to be I guess its better to just be. Once a person had told me you are sometimes in that state of shunya. Jui you don’t desire. I had smiled. Its just so funny the whole attachment and detachment to a particular idea, person..anything. I have seen myself getting attached and seen myself detach much easily too. Let go..as they say. Like the sand grains..

Its not a sacrifice.. its just a simple detachment. Yes simple it is.
I haven’t given up on anything lately.. Just that I haven’t desired for something crazily in a long time.

Aaj ladies special main mote mote log aaye hain

Huh?

This came from the dame who had nearly crushed Charu and me to death. She was looking in my eye and saying this in someone else’s ear. Someone who had to be in love with her. Her handsfree chord was dangling down over me and Charu.

Poor breathless Charu (she is my train friend) missed this statement of the millennium. I couldn’t stop myself from repeating it in her ear for her best benefit.

I really hate it when huge people decide to travel in 1st class ladies compartment. The compartment is first of all small, second of all they push a minimum of 3 people my size out of their way..that usually is life threatening for the people who get pushed. Other day, one fat person tried to move her elbow and the result was one other woman almost fell out of the train. She didn’t luckily. But all the stuff in her hand- (I guess she was an art student ) big bag of project papers and handbag flew out of her hand. Later people behind her had to pull her back and stop her from jumping out of the train for the stuff. She kept yelling all my work is gone! Oh god!! I wanted to ask her if it was worth her life. She was trying to jump after her work. I have never seen myself panic to that extent. Rather.. I am an iceberg. Some people bubble with fear and anxiety; some like me go absolutely numb. Had it been me in her place.. I am sure I would have done the yelling act later ( I still don’t believe I would have yelled, I would have sobbed maybe) maybe once I was out of the train and maybe back at home.

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Making sense out of recent changes is on your current critical path, yet you must be ready to jump into the next phase of your life. It's fortunate for you that your self-judgments are lightening up and others can shower you with love and respect. You can already feel it, but you still must give yourself permission to enjoy it.
By Rick Somebody

Past 2 days in my life

My kid nephew pinched my cheek. That was not affection. It was anger. I did not let him pull my niece’s pony tail.

I went shopping. I have got a biba suit and one other kurta.

I met N at ccd and one more time thanked God for all the people in my life.

I saw animated film Robots yesterday.

To be continued…

Let’s call you JC.

Some small people already call me that. They call me JC and Aai JK..i.e. short for Jyoti Kaki. These small people are kids from Aai’s crèche. I mean it’s so funny to hear the coarse voice which was once so kitten like asking on the phone JC, JK kai mhante..:)
People grow up.

Of pet names. I don’t have too many to my account. I always laugh at my old time pj..I am very few people’s pet. Honestly, I hate pet names. At least the cool ones like nicky, pinky, stupidity. I like my name. Whatever it is.. It is me.

Yet, the earliest pet name I had was Chicken. That was long time back. I was maybe just a couple of years old. There was just one more before this one..Mama used to call me Jui batata. I was one plump baby.

But chicken I was and chicken I am. Coward. Sometimes. I was scared of surreal stuff like ghosts then and I am scared of surreal stuff like ghosts even today. They used to call me chicken because I was like every other kid; cute. Then there were a couple of names at home..Juilu, juidu and some embarrassingly cute ones.

At school people used to call me a lot of stuff. Most irritating was Citra. The soft drink I never tried. I hate soft drinks.. and hard too. Coffee doesn’t fall in any of the 2 categories. Okay. We will talk about drinks in some other post.

Then later on when I was in Pune there was this Zzzzzzuiiiiiiiii. It went Zzzzuiing..sort of a thing. Also, was V calling me Zoo..that Zoo thing, I still get to hear it. And someone calling me Flower Girl.

One pet name which almost feels like some title to me is Juda. We as family have seen Ben-hur the film a lot many times. Together. Aai used to call me Juda then .. very often. Now she does sometimes.. I was going through a not so great time in life. . She used to call my lanky 16-17 year old self.. Juda.

sanga kasa jagaycha...

मोडून पडला संसार

तरी मोडला नाही कणा

पाठीवरती हात ठेवून

नुसते लढ म्हणा

-- कुसुमाग्रज

Kalyakutta kalokhat, jvan kahi disat nastat
tumchya sathi konitari diva gheun ubha asta
kalokhat kudhaycha ki prakashat udaycha?Tumhich tharva!
sanga kasa jagaycha...

Payat kate rutun bastat,he agdi khara asta
ani phula phulun yetat, he kay khara nasta?
katyansarkha salaycha ki phulansarkha phulaycha?
Tumhich tharva!

-Mangesh Padgavkar

sleepy

I am at work right now. I am feeling sleepy. Very sleepy. My colleague says I need toothpicks for my eyes. I think sellotape will do.

Why am I feeling this sleepy today? Why are we talking about this and that? Sleepy is sleepy. Sleepy enough to spell sleepy as sleppy or slepy.. sleepy enough to not spell sleepy and sleep instaed...okay instead I meant.

I think I need to dial 3oo and call for coffee. Coffee. coffee. hmm Okay lets ask for coffee after a while. Why? It's too much of an effort to turn my head ask R if she needs her tea and A needs his tea. Then remember how many teas with my coffee and then tell it to the pantry guy. I would rather sleep talk..sleep type rather.

This happens too me sometimes. Those 10-15 impossible minutes where eyes and brain play their trick. There is this not so clean, old carpet or matting sort of thing here on our department floor. This ulgy thing looks too tempting right now...

I speak

What do you do of a someone who loves to write but has something called as spondylitis? hmm..That actually isn't the topic of today's post really..So we can talk science later.

Today I realised..I opened this page and called it a diary for a reason. I just wished to check how much I can really talk. To what extent can I reveal me. And, I do not wish to fail this webpage, I don't wish to fail myself either.. So today I will talk about something more about my past few days.

Well, I had dedicated a post to mission arranged marriage some days back. Now.. now.. I don't wish to discuss the whys of the situation anymore. 'Why yaar, I mean you aren't so old?" Arranged Marriage!!!! But to all of that, I will say it isn't as bad as anthrax..though it starts with a letter A.

Coming to the point, I have met a couple of guys..Yep, I am not going to give out the exact numerical details..Not because I have too many or too less attempts here., but because I don't understand numbers. I have realised that I have taken a reactive approach to the whole thing. I have met people who wanted to meet me..I haven't budged a step to initiate anything as of now. When I say I haven't budged one bit, I really haven't.. to an extent that I would have said a yes to all the guys I have met..:) Knowing too well that this 1 is not the 1. Why? Not because I have taken any self-destruction route like Roark's girl. Just, that I am plain confused about the one question elders have asked me maddening times..What are your expectations beta? I don't wish to figure that out as if it is some frustrating science question with a chemical formula in it.

Luckily, the guys, situation and the latest hit -kundali have saved my soul and we have come to a no every time. Here, I am not saying the guys were bad. But it's really funny how human heart functions. It's easy to like a person.. but love is just too natural an emotion. You can't learn to love. You just love or you simply don't. If you are wondering why am I mixing the two unrelated fundas like arranged marriage and love here..I don't know what people did when they went for, or life pushed or pulled them to an arranged marriage scenario. I don't see myself taking a flowchart route to matrimonial.

Yes, I have put the white flag up. Yes, I am playing their game on their terms. But I still am.

People(friends,cousins) have said some real interesting stuff to me these past few days-

Arre you think too much Jui..It's just profiles not people as such.. Just cross them from your list yaar..and you will meet the one.

You know what Jui, strong women like us scare guys..You need someone equally pigheaded as you. I mean see, P and me .. our lifestyle needs (whatever that means) are an absolute mismatch...But he is the wall of China when I am at my worst..Hence, our marriage is a decade old now..

Hehehe ;) Awesome man..you anyways didn't date any guys in your days..Now at least, you get to date them officially..

Jui this is just too much of a torment...You write a book on this ..after some years.

I have had a couple of misses now. But, every time I have gone through the same stages..The initial curiosity about the person, the chit-chat session..nice and friendly..and after a no(which never comes from me) a phew feeling. a sense of freedom. Friendly is a deadly word. I cannot love a someone when friendly is there in the picture. I can't.Love is love..

Two people in love can be friends with each other..but vice versa is a confusion..not love.

I don't know.. But there is this crazy connection I feel to that person. Each miss makes me feel its taken me closer to the one.Does not matter if it happens the family way.."beta by this time next year you will be married!" or it happens like all my other things have happened ( I was to come 1st in School and then become a Dr.)

I feel there is someone at the other end of the rope ...That matters the most.. I guess..

There was a time when I said I will walk all the 99 steps towards you.. you walk that one step..to someone. But, later I realised it's not about numbers..

I blew the candles today

I blew the candles today.. made a wish too. Silly. But could not resist those candles. When i was in school there was this thing about red post office vans.People used to say you make a wish when you see that red van, cross your fingers and leave it only when you see a 4 legged animal.. ..and it comes true.. :) your wish.. It's nice to be naive.. sometimes. Naive and stupid.

Same is the case with candles.. But, it's so easy to like people. People here arranged for a pleasant surprise for me. Cake and singing..then a senior sent a lovely card to me.. Inspirational. It got a tear to my eye. (will post some lines from the card here later)It's so easy to get used to people and like them. Some people placed their hand on my head and blessed me.. I did feel blessed.. All seniors.

Sometimes I wonder why is it so tough to stand by a someone then..

p.s.-pink dress looked pink.. and people liked it.

The Day before tomorrow

That day of my life usually makes me feel some sort of longing. It makes me feel like that every year. One day when I cross all the mental barriers and wholeheartedly think about people who were at some point in my life ..important to me. I wonder where they are and will they by chance, mistake, coincidence, telepathy, luck, misfortune, reasonless think about me that day. I mean at least that day I let myself be a little like me.

Now, I have changed. I don’t know when that happened. Or maybe I know it.. some sort of liberation, some sort of happiness, some long lost key I discovered. I think I am in love.. :) with nothing in particular. I don’t know, I just am in love with life. I feel as free as freedom. Nothing holds me to the ground for too long. The waves, rash sometimes, enormous, spraying waves sweep me of my feet.. I lose myself in the surf of life.

So, for tomorrow, I went shopping yesterday. I have never done it ..not for a long time. I mean okay, I have gone shopping million times other times. But, never specifically for that day. Not since.. Can’t quite remember the year. I used to particularly feel irritated about all the fuss.

Aai-Baba wanted to buy something for me. We went to Westside hence. A friend told me they are selling stuff for discounted prices. I always end up liking stuff that is for some reason not discounted. We reached, we saw, we fell in love and now I got a new dress for tomorrow. Do you believe in love at first sight.. I do..:) the dress makes me feel beautiful..

And, it’s pink.. Not the typical baby pink. Some darker shade of pink. I am not up to the mark when it comes to identifying and calling colors by their correct names. But, it’s a shade of pink. I didn’t consciously look for pink. The dress sort of chose me. Aai picked it up. It’s a traditional silk salwar-khameej suit. Jazzy. I wanted to get rid of pastel for a day. There are days when I feel green, yellow, and red too.

I am quintessential when it comes to color pink!

crap!

Boss: How’s life jui?

Jui: Life is going good actually..Its gone absolutely out of my control. That was an afterthought. I didn’t say it aloud.

These days I see this image of me wearing black easy t-shirt and trousers and standing at the edge of some unknown cliff.. My hair is open and flying freely.. It's not scary, it's beautiful. There is this world below me. Sometimes I am part of the world, like those ants running at my feet. Sometimes, suddenly I grow taller. My hair like a some paintbrush on the canvas of the sky..

My horoscope for today on igoogle says.. You are slowly returning from an extended vacation, even if you never left home. You've been journeying in the orbits of your own thoughts and it may be challenging to find your way back to earth. Remind yourself that you are usually sensible and serious. Be as practical as you must, but allow yourself enough time to process your dreams before landing.

By Rick somebody

Fish!

Okay.. so what happens after you get fish, you don’t even know their type and name..from the local fish market. You are to have them for meal and there are some others who think you know the formula to somehow make curry out of those fish..

I am so glad.. I could cook. And my otherwise cynical old uncle liked the curry. :) I wanted to save some of it , to show aai that the curry looked a lot like curry… and, if she had the heart to taste it, she would probably agree with all those who had to have the curry, that the curry tasted a lot like curry..

When I lose my temper

It happened yesterday. When I lose my temper-

I talk crap..sometimes things which are better left unsaid.
I cry..when words fall short. When emotions are just too many and sentences too less.
I am like that rolling stone.. absolutely out of control.

I think if people leave me alone for sometime when I am going through that temper attack, it would save me my nonsensical ramble and save them ..I so hate the idea of breaking down in front of anything living. It’s almost like stripping in front of people. And, I hate it. The idea of me struggling with myself.. like that old werewolf serial where the guy transforms into a werewolf or some other being. It’s exactly like that. The time my soul spends in torment or you can call it contemplation too and it cannot always happen simply.. Why can’t they just leave me alone?

I need no light to walk through that dark alley. I need no parachute to break my fall. I need no counterargument to make me see through the wall of smoke.

generally feeling grumpy

Every where people are talking about the same 2 women being molested on the new year’s night. I don’t have much to say. I mean why are we talking about it as if we have come across some UFOs.

It irritates me. At least I can’t talk about it with so much of interest and zest anymore. It’s no Aaja Nachle or some other ridiculous movie released this week.. eager for a review. If you are any average Mumbaikar and have ever walked on the streets here or have by any chance faced the crowd dumped by any local train at any railway platform ever, you would know that the crowd is usually generally hungry to touch you.. if you are a woman that is. I am not sure if I can do anything other than hanging on to my handbag and managing to cut through the crowd forcing its way past me. I mean they still manage to brush my hand sometimes.. But, I truly don’t know why are we even talking about it.

Today. Nothing much to talk about. I came across that old video, the one that used to come on DD some 2 decades back. Ek titli anek titliya..It still makes me smile.

I am generally feeling grumpy. I don’t need any reason to feel that ways. There are reasons and there aren’t any. Unrest. It’s deep within me, it’s part of who I am. I feel like that water boiling in some pot. Unrest. I also feel like an icicle at the same time.