to do list!

I am a pathetic person as such. I don't work at home..I just somehow don't these days..I don't want to reason it..Today -tired, tuesday- sleepy, wednesday-busy!, thursday-hmm..., Friday- I will do it tomorrow, saturday- weekend!, sunday-it's a sunday!

So lets see if to do lists help me..Maybe if I see it in ink I will find it difficult to ignore my chores. to do list will help me identify my tasks in the first place.

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I took a long break from this post and my mind wandered to Pune..International Film Festival...2005.the google search for that particular film..I cannot remember the name.. I think it was a french film with English subtitles. Gone are those days.. I will really like to live those couple of days in my life again.

Maybe beacuse it was my 1st tryst with world cinema. It was maybe because I had never before seen people in such huge nos. passionate about films to that extent. there was this one film about an agressive guy..his childhood is spent with his Dad who is a mafia honcho. The dad is a very normal person at times when he is not dealing deals and killing people. The guy grows up to inherit his father's skills..The only thing uncommon from his father that he possesses is that he is a Violinist..He likes music ..more than the sound of the guns..

The only peaceful element in his life is his violin teacher..an abousltely silent young chinese looking female..He misses the classes many times.. because he is busy f****** his life..But he finds his way back to her apartment everytime...She says nothing ever.. Just plays those soothing tunes..

he eventually falls in love with peace..and her..I am not going to recall the story here shot by shot..It will become a much longer post.

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My to do list today has 2 very impotant things-

1. Go to the dentist( :( )

2. Cut and chop the veggies

3. Think about things that can come in this list..

I like to listen to that pause.

Silence. I like to listen to that pause.
That silence like the surface of any placid river. Is the silence screaming out for its freedom? Is it the suppressed voice within that head or is it that thought that sets the heartbeat racing? Is this silence free enough to give that string of words its meaning?

The sharp remark
voices
accusing voices
protesting voices

the bullet fired
unseen, yet clearly heard

screaming voices

rebelling voices

red flags!

her unheard voice ..
her undying silence

The Peacock Feather

When was the first time I touched a peacock feather? I don't remember. I was very young when Aai got 2 of them for me. She said we will keep it in the dictionary. It still is the biggest book I have. I think I have lost my first dictionary and the peacock feather too. But, I remember how I used to love looking for the feather in that book. I could touch and feel those colors. The feather had become older in that book. I would then fearing that my fingers could damage it, touch the feather even more lightly.

Whenver I used to find a beautiful rose petal or any oddly shaped leaf and did not know how I could keep it with me Aai used to ask me to keep it between the pages of a book..It is lovely to find some old petals in some old books. Pink tries to become red over the years. And, I dont remember that petal I had long kept in that book. The greens of the leaf reveal the lines on the leaf more explicitly.

For a long time now I haven't found any leaves in my pages. Over the years I guess I forgot the peacock feather and the joy it once gave me. I forgot those childhood petals. But, I am going to go back to that habit of collecting petals and keeping them safe the way Aai once long back taught me.

I am on an emotional high

A season comes in everybody’s life. The season that lasts a lifetime. Over time maybe it becomes so much a part of you don’t even realize it the way you did once. But the season is deep there in you. In the middle of nowhere I don’t feel directionless as such. The world goes dark or maybe suddenly very bright. I don’t seem to be part of it. And, there is somewhere where I belong..

It is like this. If I stand atop a rock and waves try to knock me off and drown me..I don’t panic anymore. The rock doesn’t hold me, the waves can wash me off, but they cannot quite touch me..

He doesn’t have to hold my hand everytime to lead the way..yet, alone as I cut through people he leads the way for me. I look at people in their eye and there is this season in my eyes.

nothing much..

Sometimes I feel I should just close this page. I don’t write much of me here sometimes . But, then I find myself filling this space again.

I have realized that-
1. I haven’t changed one bit.
2. Words get lost somewhere just as I think I have found the right ones.
3. I blank out.. sometimes unknowingly. ..most times knowingly..
4. Poetry to me is like that silent moment where I hear everything clearly.
5. I don’t ask questions.
6. I answer all the questions I am not asked along with the ones asked to me.
7. I walk away.
8. Whenever I speak a lot, the silence in me feels betrayed.
9. I throw myself away like that pebble in the river .
10. I like a starlit night more than that yellowish tinge of the daybreak.

My friend's Dad is a scientist

My friend's father doesn't stay at their place. I looked up at the big black round eyes. Do they always look so black and round? Okay. Aai says. As if the Sky is blue today and we say okay..My father looks at me. He is a scientist no that is why. Aai tries telling him that USA is the place where scientists usually work. The Dad must be there. Hence the friend's Dad doesn't stay with them anymore.

I have always liked the kid for his big eyes. The eyes now look more black. The kid avoids looking at us now, looks down and then with some effort at Aai. I try telling him software daddies go to Bangalore and sometimes Mommies go to Bangalore too.

I picked up my handbag. The big eyes still not looking at me. My parents stood there..trying to seem okay ..listening to the kid .

Kids have an amazing way of standing by people. Here, this one did just that by trying to convince himself and us that scientist Dads leave their families behind in pursuit of something his little self could not quite understand..

I was getting late and had to leave home and could not listen to the whole conversation..