who are you?

I mean look. I came across this one while looking at one orkut community. Interesting isn't it? One anonymous asks another anonymous!Anonymous.

I have a name. I am getting engaged soon. People call up and congratulate me. People talk about him. Him is an individual with a name and identity. I make it a point to tell them about him. Other day I received a mail from someone I know not too well saying that he is getting married. Okay. But the girl has the right to be known by her name. Her.

why?

No. I cannot smile that smile all the time you see. Why? I cannot answer every question. Why? Can you stop looking me in the eye? Why? I cannot …..

I put my hands in my pocket. I turn my back and just step out of the conversation. I am guilty. I know I am the culprit every time and the victim too. I did that to myself. Why? Why does it rain on the plane ? Why does the star shoot across the sky?

That is exactly why…

She still doesn’t keep the phone. My silence becomes too shrill for my own damn ear!

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Let me go out for a walk please. Down the dense lane. I have taken that path million times before. It makes me feel at home there. I wish life would have ended at the end of that road and begun every time at the beginning of that road.

Let me please feel the green grass blades under my palm. The tiny pebbles leave a design on my palm. The lake ..the small algae filled ugly looking beautiful lake. I think the tortoise still swims under that green mess.

Let me sit there on the ground. I want to listen to the sage again. The white beard and the gleam in his old eyes.. It gives me life again.

The walls of the rooms don’t come closer on me here. There are no walls here. I can spread my arms. I can stand here like a tree.

Let me sit there lost in the crowd. The coffee makes me feel so much like me here. Let me walk to the gate alone just one day.

The tadpoles in the old fountain. The water in that old tank.. As I hold on to the hand of an old friend. Let me hear her speak about me just once.

--dedicated to the University of Pune

It was not arranged..

Now the time is right. The conclusion to my Mission Arranged Marriage is a beautiful beginning actually.. It is not an ending for sure..

Jui, Do you believe in Miracles? I do now. I am not sure I have enough words to write what I wish to write..What if I just say..I met a guy and I fell in love with him..What if I just say I have always known him even before meeting him?

I met a few guys and then I met A .It was one February day. We met at a café..it seemed as if we had met some other time and there was this incomplete conversation between us at that time before the time. So, we were here continuing this very old conversation. We did not have 5 seconds of silence between us!

Smiles. Words. Glances . The café..I don’t know the exact millisecond where the miracle like some chemical reaction started unfurling itself. Or maybe Miracle is a something which works even when you think it is a fable. The miracle was in making for me for years maybe..

When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to lose it. This is what happened after that February day. The world conspired against us in many ways. We lost each other. I think that helped us win each other back. Only when you lose .. you fight. Fight you must. All best things in life are to be earned. I will not say we won because of us alone. There must have existed some other world far away from the milky way conspiring for us.

..there is a lot more to this post…I will come back here soon..

words are not enough..

Some few months back one question kept popping in my head for some reason.. Do you believe in miracles jui? No.

I think I have changed my stance now. There are reasons. There is lots to write..but I wish to take some time off..How much time? I don't know..I might just write tonight..or might just not..

Words are too many..Yet the words are not enough. For now I will just make a note of some dates. Significance of these .. I will write a longer post..some other time..

8th and 9th March..

Red Rose

I got a Red Rose today.. and a chocolate..and a greeting card..and some messages.. Women's Day is few hours away..

--rest later..

No clue...

http://www.esnips.com/doc/bbe1b7cd-42e6-42e4-a24a-222637cfae07/Fuzon-MoraSaiyan-Khamaj

Listening to this one right now. One friend wants to listen to it. I like this song too. Nice one. Why this post? Just like that. Because I want to keep my mind busy. I want to talk about generic things. I don't want to talk about me today.

There is a cup full of coffee at my desk. It's become cold now. I don't feel like having a sip. I just had a mugful some time back. Another colleague just asked the pantry to get another cup. Just like that.

Now listening to http://www.esnips.com/doc/69a55c73-64c6-4e6a-9ac7-a4f12dacc387/Fuzon---Tere-Bina

Thanks to my colleague! Again this one is a good song. But I am not in a mood for senti stuff at this moment. Why? Just like that.

Feels like I am waiting in some terminal..No clue...

Now listening to http://www.esnips.com/doc/c8e23811-bcc1-47e4-aff7-38067149e6da/Ankhoun

Because I want to listen to this one..

Now.. http://www.esnips.com/doc/4f6c5ce3-9039-40d9-bd0c-7d5d3ee6adad/Coldplay---Fix-You

Now..no song..my colleague is playing some Buddha Bar no. at his desk..

Now..at my desk. http://www.esnips.com/doc/40873e29-0b23-4555-a2d1-85c75c2e61d0/Lost-for-Words

Can you see your days blighted by darkness?
Is it true you beat your fists on the floor?
Stuck in a world of isolation
While the ivy grows over the door

:)

http://www.esnips.com/doc/dfd73364-df8c-4c61-abaa-79ada529a7d4/Pink-Floyd---The-division-bell

here the guitar speaks more than words .. for me at least..
Blade-like.Cuts through my heart.

Now.. my pal is playing Aerosmith - I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing

I am feeling hungry now. Is it sinful to feel hungry when you are fasting? When do you achieve that sort of control over your mind? Where hunger, thirst, desire, wish everything is irrelevant.. I don't know. I don't care to know. I am feeling hungry.

Is it a mere once upon a time?

Is that how freedom feels..Is it a mere once upon a time? Is it unreal?
Wings. Like the leaves of a tree.. born in spring. .Wings.

Double Engine

3rd March,2008

:) That was what Aai said..about herself and maushi. The women in my life. The women who pull my train. I swear. I am thankful to God for blessing me with these strong-willed women…friends..family..Whatever way they have come in my life..

I respect them for the kindness, the strength they must have needed when they pushed me off the cliff.. knowing too well that I had grown wings.

They have come in my life time and again.. And they have been with me..in my shadows, like the goddess’ of the forest protecting the stray fawn.

I saw her today, after all this while, after that day. The day when I had told her that we could not be friends anymore. Why? Nothing terrible had crossed between us. Those were the dark days. I was at my worst. I think that is the worst I can be. Everything in life at that particular time was going against me. Everything..of the most impossible to handle elements in my life was me..I guess.

Happens. We call it life. That is not the story. The story is I had one friend then. I came to a point where I thought we needed to part ways. That was the only way we could pick up the pieces of our respective lives. I told her that.. and we never saw each other again for last 4-5 years.

She had some sort of respiratory problem then. I hope she doesn’t have it now. Once she got that attack in the lecture room. I took her out of the room and tried telling the dumbfounded prof. to get some Dr. logic said we needed to get her near the oxygen cylinder. I tried to make her walk along the passageway..so that with some help we could pack her to the Dr. She could walk. But she decided not to. Hell! She sat there in the passage..clinging on to my hand. I was like that 1st few days when Aai used to drag me to school.

She couldn’t breathe. She was gasping..people didn’t come anywhere closer to us. No! I am not going anywhere. I am scared of situations. It passed after some time like that..She was in love with some idiot then. The guy was causing her hurt. Some days back out of sheer coincidence I came to know she is getting married. Not to that B******. There wasn’t any story between them ever. I was so happy for her when I heard the news. I wanted to give her a call .. didn’t. She’s grown up now.. I have grown up too.

What a day! I took the wrong train. I was waiting for my comrade ladies special. Trains were late. I was late. Everyone was late. Crowd. I thought i should wait a little longer for my regular train. But this train came. Very few people got in. Last minute decision. I got in too. It was a fast train strayed on the slow platform.
I saw her. She saw me. I wanted to talk to her. But didn't. I wanted to smile at her. But couldn't.