You think with your heart

Here, we have a colleague who is a face reader too, apart from being a manager. And, he is pretty good at it seems..He told me that the major problem with me is that in every personal, professional..smallest of the things, I think with my heart!! This came as no shocker for me. He said that life keeps dumping me because I put my heart in everything I do.. That has to change. I looked at him blankly.. I know I am a hopeless case at that. I know I cant do much about my heart intruding in everything I do.. Oversensitive, I bear the tag. He said ‘the guy’ and marriage will change me..and I will be in a position to reprimand my heart then.. God knows..

I usually come across as a person with an iron mask. But, that’s what it is. Just a mask. Underneath that mask I am very much vulnerable. People don’t get to see that part of me easily. But I can see me clearly.

I have always been emotionally cripple. I remember when I was maybe 6, we had one chapter in English textbook. It was about a doe and her fawn. And, some hunter captures her and the fawn looks for her.. Now, everytime I had to read and revise this chapter I would get stuck at the part where the doe gets captured and try to convince Aai that I don’t need to read any further. Aai finally used to make me read it. This is just one instance.. I was weird about a lot of similar things..

If fate doesn't make you laugh..

Some fellow blogger had taken these lines I guess from the book Shantaram.. I love these lines a lot and had mailed them across to a couple or to be honest a dozen of friends..After every some while I feel like looking for this mail and reading it. Finally I have decided to put it up here.. to make it easier for me to locate this one..

What would you do if you meet someone who talks/opines/muses like...

"The world and I are not on the speaking terms. The world tries to win me back, but it doesn't work. I guess I'm just not the forgiving type."

"It's my favourite place in the whole world, to be treated like dirt."

"You said it's important to have freedom to say no, but I think it's more important to have freedom to say yes."

"The truth is a bully we all pretend to like."

"He is the kind of man who wears his sleeve on his heart."

"I could never respect a man who didn't have the good sense to be at least a little afraid of me."

"Sometimes you have to surrender before you win."

"Wisdom is just cleverness, with all the guts kicked out of it."

"I'd only give you advice if I didn't care what happens to you."

"If fate doesn't make you laugh, then you just don't get the joke."

"I take everything personally- that's what being a person is all about."

"They look like monuments of something that died. Something very unpopular.. like... human spirit, for example."

"Sometimes I think that's what heaven is- a place where everybody's happy because nobody loves anybody else, ever."

"Happiness is a myth, it was invented to make us buy things."

"People always hurt us with their trust. The surest way to hurt someone you like, is to put all your trust in him."

"I don't know what frightens me more,the power that crushes us or our endless ability to endure it."

"Mistakes are like bad loves, the more you learn from them, the more you wish they'd never happened."

"It isn't a secret, unless keeping it hurts."

"Men reveal what they think when they look away, and what they feel when they hesitate. With women, it's the other way round."

"Depression only happens to people who don't know how to be sad."

"Luck is what happens to you when fate gets tired of waiting"

I would instantly fall in love with the guy..:)

I saw tare zamin par yesterday

I am not going to review it right now..Maybe after a couple of days.. The film has left an impact on me..The kid in the film is very similar to the kid I was and the kid I still am sometimes...I don't know how I can talk about the film keeping me out of it..I don't think I will try to talk about the film film..I will just talk about it..later

I love these lines from one song from tare zamin par-

tu dhoop hain
jham se bikhar
tu hai nadee
o bekhabar
beh chal kahin
ud chal kahin
dil khush jahan
teri toh manzil hai wahin

It makes me want to break free ..

Daddy’s day out

I mean all the IMS( the place where I work) daddies were out to work today.. just that along with their backpacks they were to get their kids to office. The studs at finance, systems, HR and admin guys looked very cute with their respective juniors. I mean it was really so cute to see the smaller version of J, the systems guy.. J the jr. Then we had that other jr. who went on singing sholkas and finally decided to make us all respect her small self. She sang the national anthem and had us all standing for her.. I will never forget the joy in her eyes.. Joy mustn’t have looked any better anywhere else.

Then we had one smaller version of the HR veteran who was busy munching wafers and managing to mumble few lines for us .. He is mere 1 year, 10 days old to be exact..

..to be continued..

I am back on this post after a while, and my mind has wandered away from the xmas day party. To sum it all it was a nice change to have kids running all over the corporate office..After leaving the post unfinished, I traveled back home. I still am wasting office tissues on my cold. My taste buds! I was reminded of the Bhel wala near my house..I have pleasing memories of this place.. When we were in school and were forced to sit through the gruelling sessions, the tutor used to take some time off, we used to come to this bhelwala and realise that India was still a free nation and it was quite possible to eat bhel here..

Shool friendships are special. They are for real. So are my other friendhips actually.. But these ones are from the begining of you to the end of you. Varya and me used to spend time at the bhel stall. She was my hero those days. And, I was her elder sometimes younger.. I think most times elder sibling in situtations where she needed me as her sibling. ( Some people still believed in blood ties more than friendships back then)

We used to talk about a range of things and people. One particular day, it was post- the gruelling session and we were in no rush to rush home. So, we were standing there eating the blessed bhel. I was facing the road and looking at Varya as well; the road which was there in the backdrop. Like a mad dog or you can say a mad human too, I had rushed to the exact middle of the crooked turning and bent down and picked the pup. I had come back to a red faced or rather white as a sheet varya. She had slapped me figuratively. She had said, " Was it worth your life?" I hadn't seen the speeding truck back then.. I aint no hero material. Just visually impaired .. right from the start.. :) I can only see what I want to see..I had honestly told her that I had done it because it was an innocent animal.. Trust me, wouldn't have done it for a human beast.. Now I realise I was maybe wrong when I said that..

I went back to the bhel wala after a long time. Years actually. We all went places..there wasn't any chance to stand there and eat that bhel again. So today thought of treating myself to the bhel, for the old times sake. Varya isn't here in India and I did not want to stand at the stall alone..I got it packed and despite nausea finished it in plain 3-4 mintues..

Looking like a reindeer

Someone’s told me that I am looking like a reindeer today. I have lost the count of office tissues I have wasted on my free-flowing nose. I made the dear colleagues accompany me to Spinach (mart next door) in the lunch break. I was not in a mood to have the sabji roti today. It’s funny how my taste buds behave when I am feeling sick. I first felt like having an ice-cream.. Then before I could decide, I heard myself telling them that I longed for a chocolate. Then a pastry featured in the confusion for some time.

I am relishing a Milk Treat right now. So, if you are a little brand aware or if you have a kid or if you feel like a kid yourself sometimes, you would know who won the war of Ice-cream, chocolate and pastry..

Life is nothing but a loop

Life is nothing but a loop. It keeps playing the same sort of experiences in a row. It’s maddening. It’s so predictable. And, I can see it coming my way before it launches itself on me.. Life!

Remarkable it is the way history repeats itself. ..flawlessly. Today my belief in the ‘Everything that happens once may never happen again. But everything that happens twice will surely happen the third time.’ has strengthened. It is true.

What do you do when knowledge overwhelms you? What do you do when it is so clear that it pricks your eye?

I failed at Math again

That is how I feel today.. as if I am forced to take the Math paper again. And, the result is already out. I can never succeed at Math. Thanks to my inaptitude. I am horrendous at calculations.

Icing on the cake, cheery on the ice-cream and a window seat in our Mumbai local train (fast)..I am feeling feverish. When my mind ignores the ditch in the road my body notices it and reacts.

Rest, nothing much to word about.. Someone said I look like a women rights activist today. Thanks to my cotton salwar-suit. Yesterday a friend said I looked hot!! My brows rose as high as they could. Hot and me, don’t go too well. Not on a mundane office day at least. Just a day before that someone said I looked cool. People are people. :)

Daily horoscope for Capricorn

"You are standing at the leading edge of a new phase in your life as confident Jupiter enters your sign today for a yearlong visit. A fresh wave of optimism is heading your way, so get ready for the big changes ahead. There's no need to make any sudden moves. Conserving your energy will assure that you'll have what it takes when you need it."

-By Rick Levine

I feel like that almost every day..as if I am standing on the edge of the day gone.. Everyday is a new story for me. Planetary sojourns don’t much define my plans.. I pack my backpack and set on a journey everyday. Who cares where I reach.. I don’t.. What matters is that there’s a whole new world out there.. just for me to discover..

Okay.. okay.. enough of this self-counseling. Its time to move to the next topic now. Recently I saw a fellow blogger dedicating a post to the enchanting song ‘November Rain’. I want the song to come on my blog too. I am feeling like that envious kid now.. I so love the verse and the voice is razor sharp. It cuts through my heart. So, my plan for this post is that I post the lines I like the best from the song.. November rain. Chances are that I end up putting the whole song here:)


1.When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained

2. And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain
We've been through this such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain

3. An no one's really sure who's lettin' go today

4.If we could take the time to lay it on the line

5.Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain

6.Don't you know you need some time...all alone

7.I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you

8.Everybody needs some time...on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone

9.And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain, ohhh yeahhh
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain


10.Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one

--jui

_______________________________________________________

jui स्वःताचा शोध घेणं ही एक निरंतर प्रक्रिया आहे

no.. no one said this to me .. i came across this line on some orkut community.. it was said by some one to some other jui.. but, I would like to keep this thought with me, for me..

I have realized that

I have realized that-
1.I am an emotional fool
2.The candle burns the brightest before going off.. and sometimes we confuse it with a ray of hope, this actually is the moment before the death for the candle. Also, you really need to be lucky to experience this dying light..
3. There are people who think. There are people who think with their head and there are others who let their heart do the thinking.. and, this category of people are a threat to themselves.
4. All the years of believing that I can see through most people.. lately I have come to realize people are opaque..and I am color blind.
5. Life saves me most times when I think it’s being unfair to me.
6. my eyes betray me big time.
7. I care..
8. I cannot put my thoughts in spoken words..
9. God has blessed me with a lot of people who love me unconditionally .. these people come in all sizes. They accept me despite all my eccentricities.
10. everything happens for a reason.

On my igoogle page they show my day’s forecast.. In today’s forecast this line caught my eye- “Whatever you eliminate as of today adds to the potential of increased freedom down the road.”

In today’s Times of India, while coming to work Baba showed this cartoon to me.. I liked it..

Detachment doesn’t come easy.

The speeding vehicle scares me even today.. not for myself..But, for the friend I lost to one such vehicle. This is the first time I am honestly accepting it in written word. I know putting it in words is maybe not gonna help at all..

It’s really strange how your mind subconsciously clings on to some events in your life. On one plane you think it is past you.. Yet, it is very much there in the subconscious. Detachment doesn’t come easy. It is deep inside you. It becomes a part of your identity, it becomes your reflex action… to be wary of every speeding vehicle. ..not for yourself ..but for the friend you lost.

The Roller Coaster Ride

Imagine if you were to ride a roller coaster.. alone..What will scare you the most? The fact that you are alone…or the speed..at which the ride rides..? I sometimes feel I am alone on some roller Coaster ride.. and I am confused about what scares me more.. I think both the things do.. One moment the aloneness looms larger over me..other times both the factors make me feel .. I am confused.. It’s a multitude of things actually.

And surprisingly amidst this chaos there are moments of peace..but, these are only moments. My mind goes back to analyzing the ride, the speed and the loneliness.

"Love looks not with eyes, but with the mind."

Shakespeare said that..:):)

Who puts the thought there?

Nightmares are crazy .. amazingly creative in terms of images.. So much of meaning..scary .. yet the ugliness is beautifully executed.. Who puts the thought there?

Feeling Dark Blue

the one thing a writer must have to be a writer

On one of the orkut communities, a group of some writers was discussing -'what is the one thing a writer must have to be a writer?’ People are people, and were saying a lot of things there..

Sensibility
productive insanity
eccentricity
passion
creativity!!( and he claims to be a writer)
Blah blah
Blah blah
Emotional Baggage…

I read this answer, smiled and logged out..

Need some quality time

There are a couple of things I want to blog about.. Lets see when the other worldly duties allow me some time for that ..:)

Listing down the topic ideas.. So that I don’t forget about them-
1.Today, the Butterflies freed themselves from their cocoons
2.Crossing the road in Mumbai is a team effort
3.hmm ..mm.. see I cant remember it now :(

Tulsi married Lord Krishna

Last night we got our Tulsi married..No she is not my sister.. Remember, I dont have a sibling..She is a plant, basil. And she marries Krishna, in Hindu culture.. Aai told me one nice and slightly romantic story of how and why Krishna decides to marry her.. It goes something like this.. Tulsi is married to some demon character( can't remember the name now) and is absolutely honest and caring towards him.. So, Indra ( Krishna's aavtar) does some trick and somehow manages to kill him..

Now, our Tulsi goes Sati. So Indra is heartbroken and feels guilty. When he is born as Krishna, our lady Tulsi is born as Rukmini.. He sweeps her off her feet..;) nice.. isn't it..

So last night our Plant tulsi got married.. Sugarcane was her Mama, he did get her a yellow saree. Now, she is happy. We wish her a green life..we had a good time.. There was no pandit and we had no clue how it's done. Maushi had got her Tulsi married some years back, That time Baba was to be Krishna's Baba for the event.. That time we had done some systematic puja and all. last night was different.. Maushi is in Riyadh and rest of us had no clue..

losing battles are worth giving a fight

Trust me, losing battles are worth giving a fight.
-jui

With some people, you don't have to know them personally. don't have to talk at all. Yet, you understand their language and they understand yours..

The worst in me

I have seen the best and worst in me. The worst in me is like a rolling stone .. Uncontrollable.

Today is an ordinary day

I am feeling a little tried types.. Maybe because last week was a 7 day week for me.. And, Sunday was like that Monday where you miss your TV program because you were working.. It was CAT on Sunday..No I haven’t reached that level yet.. I did not have CAT for meal.. though I did try eating squid some days back.. I can’t tell you if it was tasting good or otherwise.. It tasted different and looked a little funny..odd to be precise.

Ok coming back to the CAT.. Here, the CAT I am talking about is a taste.. I mean test.. As it’s an ordinary day..and nothing much to talk about .. pardon my sense of humor ..

My left ankle is giving trouble.. It’s swollen and hurting, for a week now.. Aai is taking care of it and it was better for a day. Then I happened to wear my favourite white shirt,bule jeans and insisted on wearing my favourite black heeled footwear.

I like this song

The first time I got to listen to Swanand Kirkire was with the film Hazaaron Khwaishein Aisi.. Now I will not speak about why I liked the film so much.. This post is not meant for that..The man in question here is Mr. Swanand Kirkire and his heart rendering voice. This artiste does absolute justice to the songs he sings. Every word lives its meaning..so genuinely once it comes from this man.

It partly is maybe because the guy is a songwriter and the songs he sings are his own poetry.. This doesn’t mean people who don’t write their own songs, don’t sing well. It would be foolish of me to say that. But, there is something about how Swanand Kirkire writes his poetry too. The words aren’t the quintessential ones.. So, for him the song doesn’t have to have Tanha, Fanaa etc. just for the heck of it..The song doesn’t have to sound commonplace. The words are like some abstract poetry which isn’t bound by any form as such..

bawra mann dekhne chala ek sapna,
bawra mann dekhne chala ek sapna...

bawre se mann ki dekho bawri hain baatein,
bawre se mann ki dekho bawri hain baatein,
bawri si dharkanein hain, bawri hain saasein,
bawri si karwaton se nindiya door bhage,
bawre se nain chahe bawre jharokhon se,
bawre nazaaron ko takna.

See, this is what I mean..And, the latest hit for me from Mr. Swanand Kirkire is

Aaj shab jo chand ne hai rootne ki thaan li
Gardisho mein hai sitare baat humne maan li
Andheri shayh zindagi ko sujhi thi nahi kali
Ki aaj haath thamlo ki ek haath ki kami khali ( how can someone write like this?)

Kyun Khoye khoye chand ki firak mein talash mein udas hai dil
Kyun apne aap se khafa khafa zara zara sa naaraaz hai dil
Yeh manzilein bhi khud hi tai karein
Yeh faslein bhi khud hi tai karein ( i love these lines)

Kyun tho raston pe phir shem shem ( it's not shame- shame or same- same. Some urdu word.. ) sambhal sambhal ke chalta hai yeh dil
Kyun Khoye khoye chand ki firak mein talash mein udas hai dil

Zindgai sawalo ke jawaab dhondne chali
Jawaab mein sawalon ki ek lambi si ladi mili
Saawal hi saawal hai sujthi nahi gali
Ki aaj haath tham lo ek haath ki kami khali

A blind mind is like a tomb

When people ask you, you got time to write huh.. you got time to write. You choose to scribble some lines over the chores.. You choose to be poetic instead of being practical.

The debate when is with someone you know speaks an absolutely foreign tongue.. you lose the moment you try to show them what you see. You lose because all you address here is the deafness. This deafness is not curable.

The people so idiotically naïve about life and its eccentricities.. And, they crowd you. They are all over the place. The grin runs a chill down my spine.

How do you light a spark in those dead smiling eyes? Blind eyes have a light so bright, but a blind mind is like a tomb, dead and blank.

Poets share some sort of kinship…

poets share some sort of kinship… Now one such poet comrade scribbled on Orkut saying that Jui means fire in his language. I guess it's Asamese. I told him what it meant in Marathi.

he replied .. jasmine ..one mans fire is another mans flower!

I envy him.. This beautiful thought chose him..:)

-jui

Happy Realisation..

10 random things about me-

I am at my best when left alone.
I don’t change my ways.
I don’t go to a temple often. I visit as per my whim.
I love music.. so much so that I can go on with the chores till eternity if the music plays some good tunes.
I get very rude when I am tired.. rude and irrational.
I like being me.
I like reading books meant for kids, watching films meant for kids.. I like fairy tales basically.
I like making coffee for myself.
I like to smell every food item before deciding to taste it.
I like to visit bookstores a lot .

I saw Saawariyan

There are works that just make you shed a lot tears.. without much difficulty, and there are works which give you a slight headache.. and make you shed tears a little later.. Maybe after some dazed hours or maybe when you get to see the work for the 2nd time.

Saawariyan falls in the 2nd category. While watching the film you feel ok about the whole story. But it is very subtle.. in a very beautiful way. The film is more like a poem expressed in images instead of words. The whole set includes a bridge, one lake, a boat (shikara sort of a thing)...

Of the few people who have seen the film, they have come back complaining that the whole story happens in the same old blue green sort of a setup. Despite my resolve to not argue and convince the masses( when you study mass media for almost 5 yrs of your life, masses tends to become your favourite word. And, you are free to use it when you don’t want to try and change people’s perception about something.) about why a certain film is like the way it is, I am tempted to argue again.

As this happens to be my diary.. I think I can go into the intricacies of why the whole story takes place around that one bridge with that boat ( the shikara like thing) floating mindlessly or maybe mindfully on the blue lake.

To enlighten you more about the script, the whole story happens in the mind of the narrator of this film.. , you are also free to believe that maybe the story happens in the mind of any other character of the film. So, nothing here is real.. and everything here happens in someone’s mindspace. And, this space can be boundless or could be bounded, restricted to the most beautiful imagery the character creates. Here in this film the characters live their roles in a restricted space. But, I feel it’s not because the director was feeling too lethargic to actually paint some other sets for us. I felt, there wasn’t any need for the characters to wander beyond the bridge and the lake.. For me it was perfect..

The reason being, the boat and the bridge played characters in the plot. Because you saw them all the time they became significant and meaningful. Symbolism needs some symbols after all. If these symbols keep changing all the time, they wouldn’t make any sense whatsoever.

Shut the world down please!

Sometimes it’s so chaotic all around. I feel like dismantling the world, packing it in some wooden box and sending it adrift some placid river.

!!!

Code is Poetry

My parents have got those forms finally. Matrimonial!!! Hell ..I mean its so nice to belong to people who won’t force you into anything you disapprove of.. But, then here I am.

I always found the whole marriage in an arranged sort of a scenario outrageous. They call it poetic justice. Now, my parents have finally got the forms. They have heard enough of my excuses. Its time sweetheart.. Its time..

The whole and they lived happily ever after sort of a thing seems so unreal to me. I mean in any scenario. And seems more unreal in this forms and photos sort of a scenario. Not with the sort of a person I am and not with what my close friends have to say about me.

Jui, you shouldn’t intimidate guys .. See, guys prefer dumb women. If you ever talk like this, I am telling you it’s difficult.

Jui, it’s a different thing to adopt any one-winged pet and a different thing to fall in love with a guy who doesn’t have any backbone.

Jui, can you please stop laughing like that.. your eyes are a dead giveaway.

Jui, D is a better person than you. You are just so you..

Jui, you aren’t strong at all. Just too weak to ask any help..

Jui, everytime I meet you I think I have understood you ..finally. But you are just so different the next time I see you.

People keep asking me all the time.. See, a Dr. marries a Dr. An actor marries an actress. So, what about you.. I don’t know anything about this. Yet, I say I want to marry an artiste. Anyone who has a heart to understand that art is art.. And, its not limited to the obvious forms like the theater, poetry, paintings. I read somewhere on some programming website Code is Poetry.

Don’t ask me what I was doing on that site..

Sounding Funny

"What? Who?" Dabid Gimore..Dabid Dabid.. Utube..
Okay.. So the colleague was right . I couldn’t make it to office today.. Because, I am sounding funny and feeling funny too. Cough..

I keep telling others and myself that you should live in this moment as if it’s the only .. You should be totally present in the present moment. That makes every second a moment. That’s exactly what I haven’t been doing lately. Either I am going too slow or too fast. The present moment either is half spent thinking about that phase behind me or the one which I can smell is on its way.

This moment fails to amuse me enough. Everything’s perfect. As perfect as it can be. Yet, I am not there in that perfect moment. I have outgrown this particular phase. The perfect looking T-shirt doesn’t fit me anymore.

Jesus in the sky

The train swished its way through the twilight. The Mumbai local train journeys can be enjoyable if you like to look at the world.. The whole world is punched and packed inside the compartment. It’s a bundle of experiences.

Yesterday was different. I started from office a little late. Women were already reaching home I guess, by that time. I could actually see the compartment floor and room to keep both my feet on the floor. Most times I would be forced to imitate the Lord Krishna posture or hear the yelps despite the Floyd song singing in my ears. The women would yelp an ouch or some slang at my heeled shoe. “Headed straight ..into the shining sun…”

Some stops later, I got a chance to stand there at the compartment door. The comparatively empty train seemed to be moving faster than usual. The chilly breeze on my face.. It always makes me feel like a bird, whenever I stand there at the compartment door. Felt like spreading my wings and flying past the train.

What can you say about a twenty-five-year-old girl who died?
That she was beautiful. And brilliant. That she loved Mozart and Bach. And the
Beatles. And me.

(Courtesy- Eric Segal)

As my long frilly hair freed itself from the tight clutches of my rubber band, It took me back in time..That particular journey where the friend and me were squatted on the compartment floor, watching the sun set somewhere behind the ranges and my hair had announced its freedom, was flying by the wind.. The friend and me had looked like 2 vagabonds. She had smiled that carefree smile,. There was no holding hands and gossip talks between us. .nothing like any typical friendship between two women.

There were only those silent conversations and the acceptance of the other so dissimilar yet similar to the self. She had said that I had looked beautiful like that.. squatted on the floor next to her, not looking at her. My hair flying by the wind..

That’s exactly what I used to tell her when she stood there on her own, admiring herself in that mirror, cigarette in her fingers.. not looking at me..

Here, in this train I was reminded of that moment in that journey.Then I came back to the present journey. The tall buildings at some distance.. I looked up to see how tall they actually were. And then I saw Jesus in the Sky. I wish I could have somehow frozen that image on some paper. A guy stood at his balcony, some 15 levels above the ground.. his hands spread relaxingly on the balcony rim. The evening sun showed the silhouette of that man suspended in the midair.. It was like seeing Jesus in the Sky.

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as i finished writing this one.. i received a mail from Bhumika..She was my batchmate in pune.. I found this on her blog.. I think her lines describe my stay in Pune too..

L5-13

Hariyali se dhaki un galiyon mein

Humne bhi ek jahan banaya tha

Ek chote se kamre mein

Duniya ke har sukh ko paaya tha

Yaaron ke saath bitayi thi kai shaamein

Tanhaiyon mein thandi hawaon ko apnaya tha

Bin vajah kiye the jahan jhagde

Phir gale lag, ek dusre ko manaya tha

Har baat pe hasi

Har cheez mein shararat

Har pal ek naya khwaab sajaya tha

Us kamre ki woh choti khidki se

Humein ek naya aasmaan nazar aaya tha

Shayad khud hi ko khokar

Humne wahan ek naye main ko paya tha

p.s.- L5-13 is her hostel room no..:)

Haanji betaji!

And I miss Pune again. .I miss the Pune Hindi. No.no.. I am not referring to the Hindi ripped apart by the localities there. That’s not the Hindi I miss. I miss the Hindi the Delhi Kitchen mess owner used to speak.. After a long frustrating day at the most frustrating place in the Milky Way, Webtech Developers Pvt. Ltd.

The 1st day at this disastrous place, they called it the Webtech office.. But I never could really accept it as anything close to any office. The very 1st day a guy who claimed to be the Boss got a shock of his life!! All because of me.. On the 1st day I opened my gmail and mailed my research papers to my research guide.. He crossed his arms at me and made a sincere attempt at trying to make me feel guilty.. From that instance on, I glanced a thousand questions at him.. The 1st time my cell phone rang there in that office the people around looked at the device as if it was some siren announcing some war or something like that.. I had looked at the boss to see if he would suffer a cardiac arrest at my expense. I hate people trying to discipline me..

Nevermind..I still love Pune.. When the day would near its end.. and the friend would drop me at that signal post , she would say a peculiar bye to me… chal re.. kal phone kariyo..the 1st time I heard this Hindi I was all smiles.. I was surrounded with this new Hindi for those 2 years and still hear it sometimes on phone..The friend who would greet me with his cheeky chakkar kya hai tera ha..everytime he met me or happened to call.

The days when I would be in a cribby cribberson avatar at the univ .. those opening lines would always make me laugh.. wah beta! ki haal hai ?…Sometimes these conversations did not involve me, I would be eavesdropping on this north Indian troop…Ki haal hai bhai??Its not in the language alone.. It’s more about their lively nature on the lousiest of the days. I miss that here ..

When I would reach hostel from Webtech developers feeling absolutely underdeveloped.. and realize that the dabba aunty had ditched us one more time.. I miss making those trips to Delhi Kitchen and hearing the overfriendly “ haanji beta.. aap kya khaoge?” I mean it really amused me so much, the guy would greet even the 6 footers and the rowdiest of the lot with his so genuine “ haanji beta.. aap kya khaoge?”

I miss playing the waiter. I miss making those phone calls..and making those repeat conversations. Okay.. one rice plate for you with tadka dal.. and 4 rotis for you and 2 for me and 3 for her one rajma ..
..chal ghar time pe aaiyo.. apna khayal rakhiyo..

I am so ridiculously me..

I am so ridiculously me. I wish I could change my ways. I wish I could unlearn a few things. I wish I could learn to pretend at least.. It’s been like this since the time I started recognizing myself. The friend gets hurt one more time.. Because I am just me.

Is it the clear understanding of me or just the absolute misconception, I never can quite figure. I think I don’t try enough.. The friend usually finds it very easy to relate to me. Then the friend wants to religiously follow all the age-old adages on friendship..

Space bubble.. mindspace. Where I am me..The friend comes closer.. pleads a glimpse at me. And, then I take that wicked back step…one more time..

The guilt doesn’t help me much. It hasn’t helped me at all. I am so ridiculously me.

Too much to fit in a blogpost

We never see plants growing .. but they do evolve.. That’s what has been happening with me.. There is change happening. Metamorphosis. It’s maybe not my choice. Maybe it is. I don’t want to know. There is this fluidness about life. You know it is taking you somewhere. You don’t know where. And, you are excited and scared, both at the same time..I don’t know where I am headed to .. I just know that the journey has begun. Its really very scary. But I will live in the moment. I will live through the metamorphosis.

Past few days I was busy with the Navaratri . It happened at my place for the 1st time and will happen next after 35 years. It’s a dynasty thing. So involves a lot of families who share my surname and we will get a chance to bring the goddess again when our branch in the family tree gets a chance to do so.

The goddess looks beautiful.. It’s a silver mask. It’s the most expressive face I have ever seen. But the house was most times too crowded.. I like my prayer to happen in silence. Its between me and the God.. So I took time out from the crowd, sat on the staircase and stole a moment with her. While the crowd crowded the hall right in front of the goddess.

I received a long mail from varya.. I replied. A long mail again.

Three women in a boat

Yesterday and today were important days for me. Yesterday I met Sayalee’s fiancé for the first time and today I coincidently met Varya’s parents.. They said that she has gone to London for next 2 years, things happened too quickly.. I didn’t know.. We were planning to meet, but never got a chance.

These two women have been with me for last 14 years. Long time, isn’t it? Both of them have something newsworthy happening with them at this moment in time. My life right now is going too smooth.. It’s been quite some time something adventurous happened to me. Nevermind.. That’s not the point I am trying to make.

I looked back today. Glanced at all those years we have known each other, the 3 of us. From the time we met for the first time, when I had joined VPM school and these 2 city kids had bullied me. I had hated them then.. Only for a few days or maybe months.. Sayalee the topper kid in class and Varya the girl who was learning karate and was better at it than most of the boys in the class. And I was.. this kid in a new place hoping to be given some room in their gang of friends .. But I wasn’t trying too hard.

I cannot pinpoint that particular moment when we became friends. But, like I have always believed people don’t really change.. we haven’t changed at all. What we were then, we still are very much the same people. Varya still never breaks down in front of us, she never talks about her hurts.. Never.. No one gets to hear that. Sayalee still sobs on the phone. And, I still hold back my tears , even if they keep forming in my eyes again and again.

And at this juncture.. we will have to go through the test of time again. Varya gone for 2 years, without meeting us.. And, sayalee suddenly absolutely busy with her relationship. That won’t affect my relationship with her, I know... Yet, it scares me.

The fact that I couldn’t meet Varya hurt me. I mean she will be gone for the most crucial years of our lives.. She missed meeting Sayalee’s fiancé , would miss Sayalee’s engagement and her wedding too.. And we will miss being a part of her important moments.

There is so much to write.. But, I am too sleepy now.. I will pen it down some other day..

What a week!!

It was one busy week. Jam packed with trivial and not so trivial happenings.. There was office and a range of appointments with the dentist, tailor and ophthalmologist.. Like a clumsy juggling artist I missed some of the appointments..

Plus there was this Traditional Day at office. I behaved traditionally, presented myself in a sari to office despite the drizzle and the puddles in the lane near the railway station. On the same day India butchered their neighbors .. Team India thrashed the Pakis!! Traditionally dressed, I danced till my foot got swollen the next day..

I have run out of the stock of Salwar kameej suits.. Hence the visit to the tailor. He still is in a state of shock . He still cant quite get over it. I started going to this tailor when I was in school. Aai used to drag me to him, I used to sulk, droop my shoulders and go with her. He would somehow manage to take measurements, never dare to ask me about my style and patterns and neck styles.. I don’t remember the visit where things changed..and I discussed the patterns , length of the kurtas, neck styles so much so that the tailor thought I had finally found my long lost twin. That meant I was lost now in the Kumb ka mela, and my twin had taken my place..

feeling sleepy..

nothing much to write abt..sleepy..tired..traditional day in office on monday..i am thinking abt what my tradition exactly is.. and what do they expect me to do traditionally?

as of now.. me off to sleep..

-jui

Ghost in the Plot

a heartbeat away- the book is going fine. just that there is one ghost character in the plot. and I don’t like that part of the book. hehe.. lets go back in time. I was in school then. Varya the tomboy or to be precise the strong woman that she was even then, used to read books titled 1000 Mysterious Murders, 100000 Most famous Ghost Tales..Everytime I used to go to her place to play the board game, that creepy book cover used to put me at unease. Cautiously, I used to pick up the book and keep it face down.

That particular day Varya was too bored to oblige her harmonium mentor and wanted an early break from the everyday music at her Music class. She begged, pleaded and begged to me that I come along, I mean go along with her and tell the music maestro that I was her elder sibling and I needed her to leave class half an hour early. Idle as ever, I bestowed a favour on my dear friend. All smiles, and grins Varya turned the book face up and said, “ When I would be busy creating music.. lets take this book to keep you cheerful and interested. Read this one-500 Real Ghost Encounters, real experiences of Amithabh Baccahan, Rajesh Khanna, etc. etc.”

I begged, pleaded and begged that I would really like to see her play the harmonium. She insisted and I had read some of those stupid stories. As a result, I had refused to go home alone after introducing myself as Varya’s elder sibling.

Varya had called today.. I was sitting at the dentist’s. She laughed and said, “you still get scared..” I said I don’t..i am to go to her place tomorrow for ganpati.
--jui

A heartbeat away ..

Yesterday I opened that hostel gate again, after more than a year. It seemed so normal, as if just some time back I had gone out to pick a milk packet or something and come back HOME. I tiptoed straight to our territory, avoided the house owners like I had always done. I went up the stairs and peeped inside the kitchen. A pair was busy making coffee there. I sort of scared them, or rather they scared me with that expression on their faces. “ Ok. So its taken you one year to come back here.” Then the smiles said Welcome Back!!.. And, these 2 were just mere hostel mates. No deeper friendship here. Still.

I finally reached my floor. My room, Vidya’s room. Vidya, Nupur and me. All of us on this floor were like a family bound to each other by something which I cannot quite describe. This floor somehow always got people like me together. The owner would always show all the empty rooms and as if these rooms were meant for us here, our roads were destined to cross, people like me chose this floor.

This was the 3rd time I was meeting Vidya after I had left Pune. Yet, nothing has changed with her. She still cannot get herself to look into my eye for longer time. She cannot crack a joke with me like she used to when I was around. She cannot hide the hurt at all. It makes something in my throat ache. Nupur keeps the conversation going, I do it too. We laugh. Vidya just tries to.

I know too well why she cannot talk to me like she used to do. Yet I ask her. Nupur innocently ends up saying , “ You not talking to her Vidya, because you think she betrayed you, right?” Vidya argues, yet our eyes meet.

I had left Pune prematurely. The realisation hits me in my gut one more time. I was the one who never wanted to leave Pune. To ensure I get some more time with Pune and everyone here I had taken up a job even before completing my course. Yet, I left too soon.

It goes back to that day. Vidya and me were eating jelly. I was so happy. My roomie was leaving. ( She had accidentally chosen this floor and realised it soon enough.)This would mean in the 3 sitter room, Vidya could officially move in with us as my new roomie. Anyways, she always was in my room. But Vidya said No. She said she did not want to move in with us. I was hurt. She said she needed her space. I said I understood it the best. I knew her too well to invade her space. Then she had said what happens when one of us leaves.. That we would one day. But we could have the time of our life before that day, if we moved in together. She said she might leave in next 3 months. That shook me.. to an extent that I left Pune prematurely.

I mean I only reacted. I applied to my present company, just for the sake of it. Because I did not want Vidya to leave me. I did not want to be left alone..again. But things went out of hand the day I received an offer letter from the company and in a day I was forced to leave everything behind. One more time .Family said it was logical. I knew I hardly ever lived my life with any logic.

But I left pune.. Yesterday, on my way back, there came a guy who was selling some second hand books. I got the one with A heartbeat away written on its jacket.

Pune Calling!!

you will hear from me maybe only on sunday now. After a long long time, tommorrow I will be traveling in that Intercity Express.. I miss those journeys I made to pune ..

Pune calls me this time around to attend the ganpati festival. I will spend some time with my hostel buddies too. Swapna has reached home already. I will get to meet her once I reach home..

Really looking forward to boarding the train tommorrow. :)

-jui

surprise!

sorry.. couldn't talk to u yesterday.. i had gone to manna's place.. guys are born with the skill to flirt, i guess.. my kid nephew is no different.. he kept kissing me .. confused, i asked him the reason for that peck on my cheek. he blushed and said " coz you are a girl.."i was left speechless. At a boy's school they learn their gentlemanly mannerisms quite early..

sitting there like a frozen prawn in manna’s bedroom, I was listening to my kid cousin discussing philosophies of life. Snippets of the chat:

1.jui: you miss your girl? I mean do you miss her when you have fun and she’s not with you?

Cousin: I never miss anyone. Kya karega miss karke..I can have fun with her too, some other time.

2.cousin: you have seen goldfishes? They only have a second’s memory. Hence they survive in the bowl. Every time they see the glass, they are like, “ arrey ye kya hai?…arrey ye kya hai? .. arrey ye kya hai?.. arrey ye kya hai?”

Loved this philosophy chat session, in my cousin brother’s style. He thought he was fooling around like he most times does.. it is his way of discussing life.

Only when I thought the day had closed, my otherwise inactive cell phone rang.

Unidentified number. With a frown, I answered the call to realize it was Swapna. Swapna, studied with me in school for 2 years when I was in 2nd and 3rd std. After almost 12 years the long lost friend stumbled upon my orkut profile. She says she was looking for me all these years.. Last year we met in Pune for around 3-4 hours .. It did not seem as if I wasn’t in touch with her for all these years. Spilled our stories out to each other. Again parted ways. Not knowing when would we get to see each other again.

She gave a call to say the police department has posted her in Mumbai for next 3 years!!! She doesn’t have a place to stay right now and would be staying with me till the time we find a place for her..

When I was talking to Rakhee about this, she smiled and said, “When one door closes another one opens.” I smiled too…

Breakaway ..

:) have been listening to this song a little too much.

“I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish Take a chance

Make a change And breakaway”

High points of today:

*Everyone is a writer, truly.. A friend sent a mail saying.. ‘You messed up yesterday coz of Monday Blues.. Tuesday will treat you differently’..:) it did..

*googled my name ..

can’t think of anything else under this category.. feeling sleepy..

I read another mail on how when you say goodbye, it can actually be the final farewell ..you never know.. and, you need to ensure that the farewell is bade well..i can so totally relate to this philosophy.. and, in a way I am glad life has ensured that i say my goodbyes properly..:)

life sometimes seems stuck in the moment.. at the same time feels moving too fast. seems like I cannot keep in pace with it..

--jui

My mind is one free spirit..

i had a bad day today.. Real bad.. “yes, speaking. Can you please call jui later. Her mind has gone for a walk. No, I cannot possibly tell you when the right time to call back is.” I wish I could really do that. My mind is one free spirit, which has a mind of its own!

I messed the presentation royally. And, most amazingly I knew I was going to mess it up even before beginning it. Yet, I couldn’t plead enough to cajole my mind.

It’s been some time now, life is taking my case in true sense..I happen to, in every possible method help life do that to me… My mind needs to be given some piece of mind.
--jui